Pride Before the Fall
by chancewriter
Summary: This is my take on what I think would happen if Ikkaku found out about the true nature of Yumichika's zanpakutō. Yumikkaku.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N**: Hello everyone. This is my first Bleach fanfic and it's my first hint of yaoi. I was listening to Billy Idol's song "Eyes Without A Face" and Paramore's "Decode" when this story came to mind. So, here it is.

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.

* * *

Ikkaku sat atop of the roof of the Karakura High School staring out at the stars. It was a beautiful night and Yumichika would have appreciated it.

Che. Yumichika.

It had been nine hours and fifteen days since he last saw or spoke to the fifth seat of the Eleventh Division, but every word, every emotion, every expression stained Ikkaku's memory and refused to leave him alone.

* * *

"_Yumichika!" Ikkaku growled the name as he stood over the futon that he shared with the beautiful raven-haired fifth seat. _

_Yumichika opened one eye and peered at his lover. _

"_Ikkaku, have you been drinking with Hisagi and Matsumoto again? You must be because you would know better than to wake me up from my sleep at midnight. You know that bags under the eyes look good on no one."Yumichika said through gritted teeth as he closed his eyes again. _

"_Yeah I do know better than to wake ya up. I know ya very well, Yumichika. At least I _thought_ that I knew ya." _

_Yumichika opened his left eye at Ikkaku while his eyebrow hovered in the air. _

"_What are you talking about?" His voice clearly annoyed._

"_Ruri'iro Kujaku." Ikkaku said as calmly as his boiling blood allowed him._

_Yumichika's both eyes shot open in surprise. He had always said that if Ikkaku confronted him about the true nature of his zanpakutō he would simply feign ignorance. But it was always one thing to say what you will do and then do it. His expression betrayed his guilt to Ikkaku and despite his best efforts to regain composure, it was too late. _

_Yumichika barely had time to react. Ikkaku's blade came crashing down. _

_The clang of blades clashing echoed throughout the room that the two men shared. Yumichika had just barely reached his zanpakutō to block Ikkaku's attack. _

"_Are you insane!? How dare you!" Yumichika screeched at him as he delivered a swift kick to Ikkaku's stomach sending the bald man hard back against the wall._

_Yumichika decided that maybe if Ikkaku was drunk enough he'd forget the whole thing if Yumichika carried on with enough indignant rage. He was desperate. He had to try something. _

"_How dare you try to mar my beautiful face!?" He knew that Ikkaku was not aiming for his face, but he was anxious and he could smell the sake on Ikkaku's face. He needed to avert this situation quickly. _

_Ikkaku looked like murder was on his mind. It was not the drunk-with-lust look in his eyes that he normally carried when in battle. It was an expression that Yumichika had seen only once in the more than two hundred years that he had known Ikkaku. There was no crazed smile, no joyous look in the eyes. No, this was the darker side of murderous intent. It created a sick feeling in the pit of Yumichika's stomach. What was that? Fear? Shame? Both? _

"_Yer going to lie to me again?" Ikkaku spoke in a low rumble. _

"_Lie again? What are you talking about?" Yumichika asked, his eyes up in the air blatantly connoting that Ikkaku was speaking nonsense, "You are drunk and I have no patience for this right now Ikkaku." _

_Ikkaku stared at him, but Yumichika closed his eyes and averted his face. _

"_Che. Unlike you, Yumichika, I have a lot of patience. I found out about the true nature of yer a week zanpakutō ago. I gave ya ample opportunity to tell me, but ya insist on lying to me!" _

_Yumichika turned his head toward Ikkaku. The room crackled with Ikkaku's raging reiatsu. _

"_Don't lie to me. Is it true, Yumichika?" Ikkaku asked. He was using a quiet, slow, deliberate tone, the one that people use when trying to suppress rage. _

_Yumichika turned his head in shame. Ikkaku was right. He had given him ample opportunities to confess. Those moments that Ikkaku randomly asked him if there was anything that he wanted to share were noticed and dismissed as the results of a paranoid imagination. _

"_Answer me!" Ikkaku banged his fist against the wall effectively creating a huge hole in the wall and shocking Yumichika out of his memories. _

_He wanted to say something, anything. But nothing came to his mouth. All his thoughts were slowly being muddled as his brain turned to molasses and his heart hurt and his tongue grew heavy. _

"_Answer me, Yumichika! Do you have a kido-type?" Ikkaku's zanpakutō eyes glowed with rage, his breathing irregular. _

_Still no response. Shame had effectively squelched his voice. He couldn't even look at Ikkaku. Oh how he wished that Ikkaku's rage would best him and he'd bring his blade on his head and surprisingly he found himself voicing that concern. _

"_Kill me then."_

_The utterance was so soft that Ikkaku almost didn't hear it._

"_What?" _

"_Kill me. I do not belong in this Division. I do not belong to be at your side." The tears had started to roll down his face. He turned his face away not wanting Ikkaku seeing him with such an ugly expression. "I never wanted you to find out. It is a disgrace, I know. I would have gladly let myself be killed than shame you, the Captain and myself by letting the true nature of my zanpakutō be known. Kill me." _

_Before he recognized what was happening, Ikkaku saw Yumichika on the ground in a Dogeza pose, his head touching the ground in a stance of absolute submission and regret. _

_Ikkaku considered his lover. He never thought that he would see the day that Yumichika Ayasegawa would put pride aside and prostrate himself before someone. For an instant something in his brain tugged and he wanted to lift the man's head. But something in the corner of his eyes glinted. It was Yumichika's zanpakuto. How long had he known this man? He had lost count of all of the years that he spent with this man and yet Yumichika dared lie to him. He told him everything, yet for over one hundred years the man that he shared his secrets, his heart, his body and his bed with kept something like this from him. _

_An overwhelming frenzy of rage began to consume him and Ikkaku raised his sword. He could picture it crashing down on the delicate, pretty neck of his companion. It was so easy to do. It was too easy. So he left before he did something that he would not regret. _

_Yumichika didn't dare raise his head, not even after he heard the screen door slide shut. He stayed in that position for what felt like a millennium. He was unsure whether he should be grateful that he escaped with his life or whether he should crawl over to his own zanpakuto to fall on it. _

* * *

His Soul Phone began to beep. He really could do with a Hollow to distract his thoughts from Yumichika.

"Ikkaku."

Ikkaku sighed. He had the option of simply closing the phone shut, but whether it was due to surprise, curiosity or simply the fact that he missed that voice (he would never admit that though) he didn't hang up.

"I am on duty. What do you want?"

Yumichika took in a deep breath. Fifteen agonizing days had passed since he had last spoken to or seen Ikkaku. He imagined that Ikkaku thought that it was pride that kept Yumichika from calling, but in reality it was fear. There was no definitive status on their relationship and Yumichika did not want to hear 'I do not want to be with you again' escape Ikkaku's lips. So, he procrastinated until his wretched mind could no longer take the torture.

"I am merely calling to inquire whether you are well? It has been weeks since Soul Society has last seen you." Yumichika mentally slapped himself. Why did he have to sound so conceited? He was trying to beg for his relationship. But then again, he mused, begging was never something that looked beautiful. It's only natural that he had no skill in it.

"You could have just asked our captain or vice-captain."

"You think I don't know that!" Yumichika yelled into the phone.

"So why the hell are you calling me then!?" Ikkaku screamed back at him.

This time Yumichika literally slapped himself (but not too hard, he didn't want to bruise his delicate face). This humble thing was not working out for him.

There was a long sigh as he resolved to try again.

"I wanted to know when you are coming home." Yumichika's voice was quiet as he struggled to keep his emotions at bay.

"Don't call me on the phone to tell me you're alone. I do not miss you."

Yumichika swallowed hard. It was so easy to fall back on his defences and pretend that he didn't care. But he looked at the empty, smooth side of the futon and quickly put his tail between his legs. He was going to fight for this.

"Let us talk about this, Ikkaku. We have known each other for too long." Yumichika said in his most sincere voice, but emotion was threatening to crack his voice.

Ikkaku was grateful that this was happening over the phone. He couldn't bear to look at Yumichika now. He could imagine those pale lavender eyes and he felt his chest tighten. He breathed deeply. Memories were clouding his mind.

"I used to know you so well."

'The truth was always hanging on my tongue to tell you, but I admit it. I was scared of exactly this – "

"No excuses, Yumichika!"

"You cannot blame me for something I cannot control!"

Oh Kami, Yumichika thought, maybe he should enrol in an anger management class or a humility class or something. He really needed it now and he had no idea as to how to do that.

"Che. Yumichika you are so conceited, so vain. I have never known you to be anything different. You have a right to be. You truly are beautiful."

Yumichika didn't bother to be flattered. He knew Ikkaku well enough to know that he didn't dish out compliments trivially.

"What are you getting at Ikkaku? Spare me your sarcasm."

"I wasn't being sarcastic."

Confusion settled on Yumichika's perfect features. Was this the beginning of Ikkaku's forgiveness?

"I guess that means that I really shouldn't be surprised." Ikkaku continued, "Someone that conceited is obviously just as selfish. I spent so much time believing all the lies, but I was willing to forgive, if only ya would have apologized, Yumichika. But ya continued being selfish and as usual thinking only of yerself."

Indignant rage erupted inside of Yumichika.

"Don't associate me with such an ugly characteristic. Ikkaku, you of all people should know that I am not selfish. Everything that I do is for you!"

"Don't get so worked up, Yumichika. Ya'll give yourself wrinkles and it'll ruin yer beautiful face." Ikkaku said with spite dripping in his voice.

"Do not mock me!"

A silence had fallen. It was a thick, uncomfortable silence that stifled the emotions over the phone as both men wondered if they had gone too far. Was it too late to try to be humble?

"Apologize, Yumichika." Ikkaku finally said. His voice was slow and controlled; much like it was that night that he had confronted Yumichika. It still sent that chilly, heavy feeling into Yumichika's heart. He swallowed the thick, ugly taste of pride and shame and quickly apologized. He really couldn't afford to lose the only person that he put before himself.

"I am sorry, Ikkaku. I am so sorry about Ruri'iro Kujaku."

Ikkaku didn't need to be able to see the sincerity in Yumichika's lavender eyes. He could have heard the honesty and regret.

"Fool! How can ya apologize for something ya have no control over!?"

"Then what do you want, Ikkaku?" Yumichika screamed at him. They were going in circles. Ikkaku was toying with him as punishment.

"Apologize to me you selfish prick! I'm the one ya lied to! I'm the one that you kept secrets from! I'm the one that ya insulted!"

Yumichika's voice hitched in his throat. He hadn't realized until now, but Ikkaku was right. He was apologizing for all the wrong reasons. He closed his eyes as he realized the grave insult that he had done to Ikkaku. Ikkaku was right. How could he have thought that Ikkaku would not have forgiven right away? If only he had not been that self-centred. If only he had stopped to consider someone else's feelings instead of his own, he would have realized that Ikkaku would have forgiven him. Ikkaku knew him so well. How could he be so insulting to the one that he claimed to know best?

"Che."

Yumichika was wrestled out of his thoughts by that familiar sounding word.

"You take too long, Yumichika; seems like ya have no intention of apologizing. This is over Yumichika."

The silence on the other end of the line reverberated throughout Yumichika. He pressed redial, but he got no response. He was of course unable to see Ikkaku crush the Soul Phone under his feet.

* * *

**A/N**: Hey so what do you think? Should I continue this? Or should I leave it as a one-shot?


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Hello folks. I got a lot of story alerts so I'm assuming that translates into 'please continue'. So here it is. Oh and btw, thanks to those of you that reviewed.

* * *

"Oi, Ikkaku."

Ikkaku looked up from his focus on the crushed Soul Phone to see the Substitute Shinigami and his better half staring back at him. He sighed. Seeing Ichigo and Rukia only served to irritate Ikkaku even further. Just like Rukia, Yumichika was always seen at Ikkaku's side and if not he was soon to follow.

"What happened to your Soul Phone, Ikkaku-san?" Rukia asked.

"Isn't it obvious, midget? He broke it." Ichigo answered her, but before he could properly finish his sentence he received a swift knock on the head.

"I'm no midget." Ichigo didn't even bother to deepen his scowl, obviously accustomed to her abuse while Rukia continued on as if she had done nothing at all. "There's nothing obvious about it. A Hollow could have broken it."

"Don't you think we would have noticed that a Hollow was here?" Ichigo turned on her, towering over her with his height.

"We could have just missed it!" She countered hands akimbo, completely unthreatened by his height advantage.

"Right. And Ikkaku would just be sitting here like nothing just happened. Yeah right, Rukia!"

"It's a possibility!"

Ikkaku rolled his eyes. Ok, so maybe that's where the similarities ended. He and Yumichika quarrelled, but not like these two. Arguing was like foreplay to them! He and Yumichika were nothing like the bickering couple in front of him. While he admitted to being similar to Ichigo in the sense that he was loud and brash, Yumichika was nothing like Rukia-san. Yumichika was a hell of a lot more sarcastic and somehow managed to corrupt every argument onto the topic of his beauty, a feat that simultaneously exasperated and amazed Ikkaku. Oh great, Ikkaku lamented, he was thinking about Yumichika again.

"Well your reiatsu sure stinks." Ichigo suddenly said to Ikkaku. Rukia mimicked Ichigo by clasping her nose and fanning the air in front of her.

"What!?" Ikkaku flared, "What the hell does that mean?"

"Just like I said. Your reiatsu stinks!" Ichigo said as he got up in Ikkaku's face.

Ikkaku's reiatsu flared even more, rippling the atmosphere around the three Shinigami.

"You got a problem with me, Kurosaki?" Ikkaku growled out.

Rukia quickly came in between the two men.

"What stupid and tactless Ichigo meant to say Ikkaku-san was that we've noticed that you've been sort of depressed for the past two weeks. It shows in your reiatsu of course, and we noticed that just now it really started to sti – umm I mean, show off a different colour." Rukia ended lamely.

Ikkaku turned his head away to avoid the piercing gaze of the petite shinigami. He hadn't even realized that this...thing, for lack of a better word, with Yumichika was affecting him so severely. Suddenly Rukia piped up saying,

"I just remembered that I have to go to Orihime's."

"What? Now?" Ichigo turned on her.

Ikkaku smirked. Ichigo sure was an idiot. He couldn't even see that Rukia was trying to leave him alone with Ikkaku so that the two could 'talk' and 'share feelings'. Nice one, Rukia-san, Ikkaku thought, but I have no intention of 'sharing my feelings'.

"Yes, Ichigo," Rukia said stiltedly at Ichigo while surreptitiously nodding her head at Ikkaku. Well maybe not so surreptitiously since Ichigo said,

"You got a kink in your neck or something?" And he reached out to touch the side of her neck. Rukia threw up her hands in frustration.

She landed a swift blow to Ichigo's head.

"I have to go Ichigo! I'll be back!" And she shunpoed away leaving a bewildered Ichigo rubbing his head.

"What the hell was that about?!" Ichigo turned to Ikkaku who was now trying his best to suppress his laughter.

"Ya'd think by now Ichigo, you would know all of Rukia-san's quirks. It's the same with me and Yumichi-."

Oh crap! Ikkaku mentally slapped himself. He couldn't even have a conversation without dropping this man's name in it.

Ichigo considered Ikkaku. He wasn't exactly sure what the problem was, but he was going to figure it out. Ikkaku's reiatsu was stinking up the whole of Karakura town; this was serious.

"Oi Ikkaku, you wanna spar?"

* * *

Yumichika walked outside to the balcony and stared at the Soul Phone for nearly fifteen minutes before he conceded that Ikkaku was not going to call him back. He was hoping that maybe this was all an extremely realistic nightmare and he would soon see Ikkaku walking up the steps and onto the veranda. _This is over_. The last few words that Ikkaku said to him reverberated in his head. He could never have meant that, Yumichika reasoned. He must have meant that their conversation was over. Yeah, yeah, that had to be it.

Who was he kidding? He couldn't even pretend to believe that lie.

"Ughhh! Why couldn't I have just apologized?!" He shrieked and threw the Soul Phone over the veranda.

"Hey! Watch where you're tossing those things!"

Yumichika looked down from his perch on the Eleventh Division's veranda to see Shūhei Hisagi massaging his head.

"Well it's not my fault that you came into the trajectory of a flying Soul Phone." Yumichika stated as he casually flicked some hair out of his eyes.

"Are you kidding me?! You're the one that threw the phone!" Hisagi screamed up at the pretty third seat.

"True, but you're the one that came in its path, Lieutenant Hisagi of the _Ninth _Division."

Hisagi shook his head slowly.

"Hmmph. You can't even apologize properly, eh Ayasegawa."

Yumichika's face darkened at Hisagi's words.

"Excuse me? But I did nothing wrong."

"That's very true. I guess you really shouldn't be apologizing for things out of your control. You were only doing what you thought was necessary." Hisagi said in a low tone.

Yumichika's pupils dilated in shock. Did Hisagi hear the conversation that he had with Ikkaku? Was it he who told Ikkaku about Ruri'iro Kujaku?

"You're right Ayasegawa. You really shouldn't apologize." Hisagi continued, "What am I doing walking around all the way out in the Eleventh Division at after eleven at night when there are Soul Phones being thrown around?"

And with that the Lieutenant of the Ninth Division shunpoed off leaving a bewildered Yumichika, but with the seeds of a new thought quickly taking root. He really shouldn't apologize, now should he?


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: This chapter was heavily inspired by The Pretenders' hit "I'll Stand By You."

Yeah I like Eighties Music. Anyway, onto the story.

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach

* * *

Clang!

Ikkaku barely dodged a blow from Ichigo's zanpakutō as they battled high above the Karakura Town Public Park.

"What's the matter, Ikkaku? Don't tell me that you're afraid of Zangetsu?" Ichigo teased as he raised Zangetsu high in the air to bring it down in a powerful attack. Ikkaku blocked but the force of the blow did send him back flying. He was thrilled by it and that maniacal grin that often accompanied him in a battle was just beginning to peep out. It was nice to spar with someone different, he thought. Lately he had been sparring with Yumichika, which was always fun since despite knowing the Fifth Seat for years, Ikkaku was always surprised by Yumichika's fighting style. The man was always full of surprises. Che. He was _damn _full of surprises, Ikkaku thought murderously. His reiatsu blazed as he brought Hōzukimaru down to Ichigo with renewed strength.

Ichigo tumbled backwards by the force of the attack.

'What's gotten into him', Ichigo thought, 'He isn't even wearing that stupid blood-thirsty grin of his. He must be really upset about something.'

Ichigo got up to charge again, but was not allowed an opening as Hōzukimaru relentlessly crashed down on him. He was forced to take up a defensive position as he wondered whether Ikkaku was really trying to kill him.

Over two hundred years, Ikkaku growled in his mind. That was how long he knew Yumichika and the man dared to disrespect him like that.

With every blow Ikkaku's force grew and Ichigo was slowly being overwhelmed. This was supposed to be a friendly spar. Ichigo had no intention of letting loose Getsuga Tenshou but it seemed that he had no choice. It was either that or risk a painful death by a very angry Shinigami.

With a massive effort Ichigo summoned most of his reiatsu (not all, he didn't want to kill the man) as he released Getsuga Tenshou upon Ikkaku. Being preoccupied with chopping to death the Yumichika stand-in that was Ichigo, Ikkaku barely had time to dodge the attack and as such was hit head on with the massive concentrated spirit particles. He tumbled backwards and down to earth landing in an undignified heap a few yards back. Ichigo hurried to his side. Ichigo reached just in time to hear him muttering, 'Great, now the stupid man is affecting my fighting.'

"Umm, Ikkaku...are you okay?"

"Don't insult me Ichigo. A blow like that could never do anything to me." Ikkaku said as he righted himself, wincing all the way. "Let's go again!"

Ikkaku's slight stagger did not go unnoticed to Ichigo. In Ikkaku's current state of mind, Ichigo thought, he won't last long with me. But of course Ichigo wouldn't hurt the man's pride like that, so he said,

"Nah, I think I need a rest Ikkaku. That one took a lot outta me." And he jumped down to the grass next to Ikkaku.

Silence fell between the two men, but suddenly Ikkaku broke it with a strange question, according to Ichigo.

"What would you do if you found out that Rukia's been lying to you for years?"

Ichigo paused to carefully consider the question. So we finally get to the bottom of the stink reiatsu mystery, Ichigo mused.

"Well, initially, I think I'd be pretty pissed, but I would want to know why she did that. Knowing Rukia it would probably be some stupid reason like she wanted to protect me or didn't want me to get hurt. Did Yumichika lie to you?"

"Who said anything about Yumichika?"

"Right,"

"Hmmm..."

"It depends, but most likely. Rukia and I share a strong bond. I can't and I won't just let her go like that without a fight, even if she was lying to me for years."

"But it's a really monumental lie."

"Well then Yumichika was probably lying for a really monumental reason."

"We're not talking about Yumichika."

"Uh huh,"

"So, you'd definitely forgive her? You've shared everything with her for over two hundred years, find out that she's been keeping a great secret from you, you give her the chance to confess, she doesn't and when you confront her, she doesn't even apologize. You'd still forgive her?"

"Well firstly, I haven't known Rukia for two hundred years like how you've known Yumichika."

"We're not talking about me and Yumichika."

"Of course, I was only making a reference. But yes, I would probably still forgive her. I guess nothing she did could make me love her less."

"Hmmm..." A memory suddenly clouded his mind and he shut his eyes and shook his head in attempt to clear it.

"I gotta go, Ikkaku. Think about what I said. I think that maybe you and Yumichika need to eat some humble pie."

Ikkaku looked up at him quizzically.

"Yeah I know, it's like the pot calling the kettle black."

"No, I just wanted to know why you think that this is about me and Yumichika. You're really fixated on that, aren't ya?"

Ichigo rolled his eyes.

"Anyway, see ya later, Ikkaku. I hope that the next time you don't let your reiatsu smell so bad."

"What did you say!?"

* * *

Yumichika stood atop the veranda of the Eleventh Division constantly replaying Hisagi's mysterious words. Why should he apologize? If anything, he should be the one to be slamming down Soul Phones on Ikkaku! Wasn't Ikkaku who said that he would never desert him? But look at the situation now. The events of three weeks ago began to plague him.

_It was another relatively boring day in the Eleventh Division barracks with the Captain and Vice-Captain out for the day doing Kami alone knew what. Yet despite the lack of commotion that usually followed those two whenever they were around, Yumichika found himself feeling immensely tired. He supposed that it had a lot to do with the ton of paperwork that he had to finish mainly because Ikkaku bailed on him. That of course led to the real reason he was tired. He was spending most of his mental energy on trying to figure out what was eating Ikkaku recently._

_For the past few days Ikkaku was acting...different. Yeah, that's the word he'll use. It wasn't anything drastic, but little quirks that Yumichika would obviously notice since he had been living with that man for years. A good example might be what happened earlier this morning. _

"_What a beautiful morning." Yumichika commented as he sat on the back veranda admiring the bluebells that started to creep up in the small garden that he tended to. It was such a beautiful flower that Yumichika instantly fell in love with it and had to have it in the garden. " It's a shame that we're going to have to spend it indoors catching up on all the paperwork that Captain left for us. I mean honestly, if I didn't know any better I'd say that he uses the paper to wrap fish or set at the bottom of bird cages." _

"_Aw fuck!" Ikkaku screamed out. _

_Yumichika casually turned to see what was bothering his partner this time. Lately Ikkaku was quarrelling about everything and anything. _

"_What's the matter?" _

"_I nearly broke my back on your stupid zanpakutō! You can't just leave it lying around like that!" Ikkaku snarled at the slight frame of the man sitting beautifully in a pale blue kimono on the veranda. Yumichika watched Ikkaku take up the sheathed sword and pelt it unceremoniously onto the futon with great disgust. _

_Yumichika took in a deep breath. Something was obviously bothering Ikkaku. He had to be patient and calm. _

"_What the hell is wrong with you!?" Yumichika shouted at him. So much for being patient and calm. _

"_You can't just have your stupid zanpakutō lying around like that!" _

"_First of all, I did not have it 'lying around'. I always keep my zanpakutō in the same place – right next to the futon. The only way you could have tripped on it was if you moved it because it sure as hell didn't walk over onto your path just to trip you!" _

"_Why would I move that stupid thing?" _

"_Well that's the million koban question, now isn't it?" Yumichika looked at Ikkaku suspiciously. This was the third time this week that Yumichika's zanpakutō had been mysteriously 'misplaced' and Yumichika had suspected that Ikkaku was to blame. That alone was strange, since Ikkaku never touched or showed any interest in Yumichika's zanpakutō before. _

"_Secondly," Yumichika continued trying to ignore the unfounded suspicions forming in his head, "Do not call my zanpakutō stupid! You've been doing that all week. What is with you?" _

_Suddenly Ikkaku's mood changed. He took a deep breath and came to sit beside Yumichika on the veranda. Yumichika looked at Ikkaku. Something was wrong with this man. _

_A silence settled between them. After a while it was mercifully broken._

"_I'm sorry." Ikkaku said looking straight ahead at the drooping blue flowers. _

"_PMS?" Yumichika asked with a slight smirk._

_That earned him a swift kick that he narrowly avoided. After he finally managed to stop snickering he heard Ikkaku mumble, _

"_I just have a lot of things on my mind lately." _

"_I've realized. Anything that you want to share?" _

"_Not yet." Ikkaku turned to look at Yumichika, piercing him with his gaze. "What about you? Do ya have anything ya want to share with me?"_

_Yumichika's breath snagged in his throat and he thanked Kami that he was not drinking anything for he felt sure that he would have choked on it. Ikkaku's gaze was so intense that he felt like he was burning him down with his stare. He forced himself to avert his gaze as he answered as casually as possible, _

"_Like what?" _

"_I don't know. Anything at all..." _

_Yumichika grew silent. What was Ikkaku getting at? _

"_Nothing you confess could make me love you less. You know that right?" _

_He knew. He knew about Ruri'iro Kujaku, Yumichika thought. But he could never react like this if he knew, Yumichika reasoned. No, if it was one thing he knew about Ikkaku was that the man was impulsive. He would never quietly sit here on the veranda casually asking whether his lover had been lying to him for years. No, it had to be something else that was driving this strange behaviour. _

_Yumichika's internal denial was interrupted by a soft kiss that Ikkaku planted on his lips. It left him stunned. Ikkaku was rarely gentle with his kisses. He usually kissed Yumichika so hard it would take away his breath._

"_So, nothing at all to tell me? You know I'll never desert you no matter what." Ikkaku whispered in Yumichika's ear. _

_Yumichika sighed. This would be a perfect opportunity to confess. If only he didn't know better. Ikkaku would say those things now but Yumichika knew that Ikkaku would not be as receptive as he claimed to be. His eyes were beginning to water. He cleared his throat and his mind as he looked ahead at the beautiful bluebells. _

"_I have nothing to confess, Ikkaku, but maybe you do. What's with the strange behaviour?" _

_Ikkaku shook his head slowly as a wry smile curved on his mouth and he pulled away from Yumichika. _

"_Che. I think I'm going to get a drink." Ikkaku said in a deeply annoyed tone as he got up and left. _

_And just like that the mood changed again. Yumichika couldn't help but wonder what Ikkaku was hiding from him as he tried to be patient. He reckoned that he would find out in due time. _

'_I'll never desert you no matter what.' _

The words echoed in Yumichika's head. Yet look at him now. He was sitting alone in an empty and dark bedroom. Why? Because it was exactly as he feared. Ikkaku deserted him and it would not be long before he the rest of the Eleventh Division found out the situation and kicked him out. He could survive without the Eleventh Division, especially if Ikkaku had forgiven him and was on his side. But Ikkaku had not forgiven him. _This is over_. Well he sure as hell felt like it. He may have kept secrets, but he broke no promises. No, he definitely should not apologize.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N**: Hello everyone, thank you for reviewing and adding me to your favourites and author alerts. Hope you enjoy this one. It's a little fluffy, but I tried my best to write how I think the characters would react in a situation like this. Pet Shop Boys' remix of the song 'You Are Always On My Mind' was the influence for this one.

* * *

Ikkaku sat back down on a bench in Karakura Park unwilling to go back home to Mizuho. That girl was infuriating and without Yumichika there to come between them she felt it imperative to be his new best friend and by friend he meant lover. If he only let his guard down in front of that girl he felt sure that he would be raped. He had finished his mission in the Living World about a week ago, but Zaraki realized that something was amiss between his two favourite squad members and was being 'nice' for want of a better word, when he sent Ikkaku to the Living World to dispose of a Hollow, a job that Ichigo could easily have handled. He had told Ikkaku to take all the time that he needed and Ikkaku readily took advantage of the offer. He was no coward but he really couldn't face Yumichika now. At first he feared that if he ever saw Yumichika again there existed the possibility that he just might kill the man. But somehow, Ichigo had managed to dissipate his anger and now he wasn't sure what he wanted from his relationship. He didn't want to return to Seretei where he shared a room with Yumichika. He didn't want to return to Soul Society at all because everywhere he went there would be memories to chase him. And despite his best efforts of running away to the Living World to escape Yumichika, memories still stalked him.

* * *

_Sometimes Ikkaku thought himself the luckiest man in Soul Society and in moments like these he really wanted to do his lucky dance, but that would wake up Yumichika and ruin the moment that inspired him to do his lucky dance in the first place, thus defeating the purpose. He looked down at Yumichika, who was sleeping peacefully on his chest. He never snored nor drooled and his hair was pooled around Ikkaku's chest just so that Ikkaku wondered if at some point in time during the night the man got up to perfectly stage the scene. He wouldn't have been surprised, that had Yumichika written all over it. But as he looked at the man lying in his arms in the subtle light of dawn he couldn't help but think that Yumichika definitely deserved to be so irritatingly vain. The man was gorgeous. And Ikkaku was damn lucky to be with him. He loved that Yumichika thought him sexy, that he said he wanted no one else, that he needed him, the way he always treated him like it was his birthday – he got it however he wanted it. He knew how to make Ikkaku feel good. _

"_I know that beauty is so breathtaking that you can't help but stare at me when I'm sleeping," Yumichika said with a smile, his eyes still closed. _

"_Che. Get off ya vain bastard." Ikkaku frowned as he playfully pushed Yumichika off of him. _

"_Oh, you know you want me." Yumichika gave him a sly smile as he lay on his side and propped up his head with his hand._

_Ikkaku rolled his eyes and turned his head away, but he couldn't suppress the small smile that was curling up on his mouth. _

"_Yeah. Right." He replied, trying to muster as much sarcasm as possible, but failed miserably since Yumichika was the one that was especially good at that, but he played along. _

"_Really? I must be losing my beauty. The one person who I thought would love me no matter what…" He said in dramatic woe-is-me fashion. _

_Ikkaku rolled his eyes again, but it was getting harder to repress his smile. _

"_Che, Yumichika. You know that I only like ya for yer looks. And you don't have that now, so…" _

"_Really?" _

_Ikkaku could hear the grating edge in Yumichika's voice and that shattered his resolve. He broke out laughing as he pulled Yumichika onto him and kissed him hard enough to take the man's breath away. Yumichika hovered above him and pierced him with his lavender eyes. Goodness, he was gorgeous! 'I'm so fucking lucky!' Ikkaku screamed in his mind. He brought Yumichika down again for another deep kiss, but he received only a peck as Yumichika rose up from the futon leaving Ikkaku groaning. _

"_You are such a tease." He ground out as he watched Yumichika make his way to the bathroom. _

"_Didn't you say that we were going somewhere today?" _

"_Oh, yeah." Ikkaku groaned as he remembered. At the moment he would much rather be lying in bed with Yumichika, but he had promised a surprise for him. It was the first time in eleven years that he and Yumichika had had a day off and on the same the day too; he was not going to waste it (not that lying in bed with the most beautiful man in Seretei would be considered wasting time.) He lay back down knowing that Yumichika would spend the next two hours in the bathroom getting dressed. _

_*_

"_So are you going to tell me where we are going?" Yumichika asked when they had reached the outskirts of the Northern Gate and entered the Rukongai. The weather was clear, as usual in the Seretei, but since the two men was not out for patrol, but rather out on a day off, the weather seemed the most beautiful and Yumichika commented on it. _

_Ikkaku gave him a sly smile._

"_We're going to the 5__th__ District." _

"_Hmmm? I don't recall ever visiting there. But I do know that it's not as bad as the other districts. What's it like?" _

"_Come on, I'll race ya." Ikkaku ignored him and took off in a blur of Shunpo. _

"_Wait, you idiot! You didn't answer me!" Yumichika sighed as he mumbled, "Honestly, you act like twelve sometimes." But he too took off in a haze after Ikkaku. _

_Ikkaku reached before him and stood atop a hill looking down at the scene before him as he awaited Yumichika. He soon felt the familiar reiatsu of the 5__th__ Seat and turned around to tease him about being so woefully slow when he collected a hard kick to the shin. _

"_Fuck! Ow! What the hell was that for?" Ikkaku mumbled as he rubbed his jaw. _

"_For leaving me." He answered casually as he flicked some hair out of his eyes and followed Ikkaku down the hill._

"_It's not my fault that you're slow!" _

"_I am not slow. You know very well that I can keep up with you. If I remember correctly, you have a hard time keeping up with me." Yumichika said with a sly smile. _

_Ikkaku blushed but quickly blamed it on the sudden rush of cold wind that they walked into. _

"_Wait a minute, why is it so cold all of a sudden?" Yumichika exclaimed as he snuggled deeper under his kimono. Suddenly Ikkaku came up behind him and covered his eyes. _

"_Why are you blocking my eyes? You're disrupting my feathers. I specifically changed my feathers to match my kimono today. I can't afford to have crushed – " _

"_Oh would you shut the fuck up! Can't you see that I'm trying to do something nice?!" _

"_I don't know what made me think differently," Yumichika mumbled in a sotto voice and sweatdropped._

"_Che. That mouth of yours will get you in trouble." Ikkaku grumbled. _

_Yumichika was about to retort that he told him the same thing last night, but was cut off when Ikkaku told him to open his eyes. _

_Yumichika opened his eyes to see the most breathtaking image. It was the meeting of spring and winter as they stood on the edge of a low wooden bridge that looked down over a river that was just beginning to let loose the ice. Delicate, pink and white Sakura petals drifted onto the snowy banks and into the cold, cobalt blue water. A light mist suspended in the air and a cold breeze kissed their skins. It was so breathtaking that at first Yumichika could do nothing but stare at the magnificence of nature. Suddenly he felt Ikkaku wrap his arms around him. It was so strange for Ikkaku to show such obvious signs of public affection that Yumichika initially jumped from the touch. _

"_This District is renowned for its Sakura trees and the first time that I saw this place I thought of you," Ikkaku said softly into Yumichika's ear._

"_It's beautiful; absolutely stunning. It's understandable that you would think of me."_

_Ikkaku rolled his eyes and chuckled into Yumichika's neck as he tightened the embrace. A comfortable silence settled between them as they listened to the soothing rhythms of the river beneath them and sheltered against the nippy winds. _

"_Yumichika..."_

"_Hmmm..." Yumichika answered casually as he was torn away from the captivating image before him. _

"_I umm...I'm not real good with words...but umm, there's something that I wanted to tell you for a while now." _

_Yumichika's interest was officially peaked. Ikkaku was being more than just serious or sober; he was attempting to be sincere and heartfelt. This was obviously not something that would be easy for the normally gruff and blunt man, so Yumichika stayed quiet, giving the man enough time and space that he needed. _

"_You're real important to me, ya know. I hope you know how much you mean to me. I know that you can do much better than me. I mean look at you. You're fucking gorgeous. You should be with someone more smarter, more handsomer, more sophisticated. I mean, I'm not the best, ya know." _

_Yumichika smiled at Ikkaku's choice of words and decided that at a later date he would inform him that listing all the reasons why someone should not be with you is not really the best way to go about a declaration of love. That is, if this really is a declaration of love. Suddenly, Yumichika's heartbeat rapidly increased and he felt like Ikkaku was strangling him not embracing him. What if this was actually a really bad break-up speech? Good Lord! If that was the case Yumichika sincerely hoped that Ikkaku would let go of him, so that he would have free reign to jump off that bridge. _

"_I know that I don't treat you as good as I could, but for some reason you put up with me." _

_Ikkaku cleared his throat to continue – this was obviously difficult for him, while Yumichika was quite possibly having a silent anxiety attack as he waited for Ikkaku to finish his likely break-up speech. _

"_When I'm going into a fight I know that it looks like I'm just battle crazy, but that's only like ninety percent true; some part of me always think about you. You're always on my mind, Yumi. I don't want you to think that I don't care for ya. I really do." _

_Yumichika had never known Ikkaku to be ambiguous but this was absolutely what you would call a mind fuck. He had no idea of exactly where Ikkaku was heading with this speech. The more he hoped that it was not a poorly delivered break-up speech, the more he began to believe that it was. He began to feel a bit dizzy at the prospect and he was grateful that Ikkaku was blocked from seeing the ugly expression of fear, anxiety and anticipated hurt marring his beautiful, refined lavender eyes. _

"_I put our friendship above everything." Ikkaku continued. _

_Yumichika nearly collapsed right then and there. Not the 'friends' talk, he lamented in his mind. Suddenly anger erupted in him. He couldn't believe that Ikkaku brought him here to give him the I-just-want-to-be-friends speech!_

"_We've known each other for years. The first time that I met you, it was never my intention to get involved with you. So to be honest, I never expected to be in any relationship with anyone. This is new for me. I don't even know how comfortable I am with the idea." _

_Yumichika was boiling with a rage that stifled his voice. All he wanted to do was reach for his zanpakutō and slice Ikkaku into four neat slices. _

_Ikkaku cleared his throat again. He buried his face in Yumichika's neck and took a deep breath. Yumichika was shaking with indignant rage by this time, but Ikkaku mistook it for the cold, obviously oblivious to how close he was to being involved in what is known as a crime of passion. This time when he spoke his voice was barely above a whisper and he grabbed onto Yumichika even tighter. Presumably, Yumichika cynically thought, to prevent him from jumping off the bridge when he finally revealed that he had no intention of continuing the relationship. _

"_I guess what I'm really trying to say is that..." _

_More clearing of the throat. _

"_I really love you. I really do. I'm not just fucking with ya. I want to be with you for the rest of my life." _

_Ikkaku exhaled hard as if he was holding his breath for the last twenty minutes while Yumichika froze like a sheet of ice in the river. _

"_Whew! There I said it. I know that I've never said it to you before but I said it and I mean it." Ikkaku growled, returning to his familiar territory of rough and gruff. "And don't go thinking that I'm going to be like this all the time! This was hard enough without you nagging me in my head all the time to say 'Ikkaku you don't tell me that you love me.' You know that's not me Yumichika, so don't expect it. This was hard enough!"_

_Yumichika stood still for a while trying to abate the initial shock and get his vocal cords working again. By sheer noise, Ikkaku got them to work again, but quite possibly deafened the raven-haired man as he shouted into his ear:_

"_Well aren't ya gonna say anything!?"_

"_Well, first of all, I don't nag. That's too ugly to be me." Yumichika said turning around to face Ikkaku. _

_Ikkaku stared at him for a moment. _

"_That's what you got outta what I just said!?" He screamed at him as he sweatdropped. _

"_Secondly," Yumichika continued as if without interruption, "I have never harassed or bullied you into telling me that you love me. I know you Ikkaku. That's not how you are and I'd be damn surprised if you were. I'm pretty surprised right now, actually." Yumichika did not think it imperative to let Ikkaku know the exact thoughts that were running through his mind. Ikkaku would totally mock his neuroticism. He would just add that to the list of things he couldn't tell Ikkaku: _

The true name of my zanpakuto is Ruri'iro Kujaku

You are bald

I thought that you were going to break up with me and I was seriously considering suicide.

"_You're surprised? That's it?" Ikkaku asked, though his voice was softer. _

"_Yes. You want to spend the rest of your afterlife with me?" Yumichika asked seriously. _

_Ikkaku's deep brown eyes penetrated Yumichika's deep purple ones. _

"_I'm serious." _

"_You know what that means, right? If we have a fight you can't just leave. If our situation ever changes you can't leave me. You have to stay at my side no matter what. We now have to work things out because we'd be partners for life. That's the promise." _

"_I do. I'm prepared to spend the rest of my afterlife by your pretty, fashion-conscious, beauty-obsessed, narcissistic, temperamental side. I won't ever desert you." _

_The vow was brusque and laced with half-hearted insults but that was Ikkaku. This was something that he wanted to tell Yumichika for a long time and this was the best way he knew how. He was neither a poet nor a romantic Romeo. He was only trying to make a promise. Yumichika leaned in and kissed him firmly as he pressed his body against Ikkaku. He pulled away leaving Ikkaku gasping. Ikkaku gave him a raised eyebrow. _

"_Well, since we're being out of character," Yumichika replied by way of explanation for the forceful kiss. _

* * *

Ikkaku smiled at the memory. Not even two hours later while completely drunk off of sake, Yumichika confessed that he thought Ikkaku was going to break-up with him and Ikkaku laughed his head off at Yumi's expense telling him that he was a drama queen. That earned a punch to the gut. He sighed. Ruri'iro Kujaku. He had been a shinigami for over a hundred years now. He was also being lied to by Yumichika for over a hundred years. But he had made a promise to Yumichika. His mind felt like it was being subjected to some cruel and unusual Mayuri experiment and it would soon split apart via its own accord. He had broken a promise. He should not have left.

Che. He really hated admitting that he was wrong.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

**A/N**: Hello everyone. Big thanks to those of you that reviewed and added me to your favourites and story alerts – you really encouraged me to update sooner. Sinead O'Conner's 'Nothing Compares 2 U' was the inspiration for this one.

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Bleach.

* * *

The light of dawn hit Yumichika's face letting him know that it was time to get up and get to work. He had gotten less than two hours sleep since Ikkaku had left and he knew that he had bags under his eyes that were only getting worse and more noticeable no matter how much make-up he borrowed from Matsumoto. Great, now he was looking as ugly as he felt inside. He had to get up and get to work. He needed the distraction. As stressful as the situation was with Ikkaku he could put it at the back of his mind when he was swamped with paperwork or out yelling at new recruits. But at night, when he settled down, that's when he would lose himself. That's when he would feel hopeless and lost. But for all the bravado he showed during the day he was a mess at night. And after last night's conversation with Ikkaku he felt like he got hit with his own zanpakutō. _This is over. _The phrase reverberated in his head all night. He struggled to get off the bed, his body weak and heavy with stress and hurt. He had no idea how long he could keep lying to himself and to others that he was fine. He was definitely not fine as he stumbled to the bathroom weaker than he had ever been in his whole life. But he had to keep up the show that everything was alright. What would everyone say if they saw him struggling to stand because the hurt he was feeling was physically manifesting itself and ravaging his body? No, he couldn't let people talk about how he had let himself go after Ikkaku left him. Never. Four hours later Yumichika was looking like his usual self, just moving a bit slower.

"What's up with you?" Zaraki asked as he saw his Fifth Seat practically staggering to him.

"Me?" Yumichika said in his cheeriest voice, which at the moment sounded closer to a death rattle, "I'm fine Captain. Never felt more beautiful."

Zaraki gave him a raised eyebrow.

"Uh huh. Anyway, you have a training session with the new recruits this morning. You sure you able to make it?"

"Why wouldn't I be? I have never let you down Captain. That would be so ugly."

"Riiight."

"Hey Weirdy-chan!" The high-pitched squeal of the Vice-Captain reverberated through Yumichika's head, but he still put on a bright smile when he saw the little pink-haired blur.

"Oh, you don't look so good, Weirdy-chan." She said and her eyes opened wide with curiosity. Yumichika however, nearly had a heart attack at her words.

"WHAT?! Vice-Captain Yachiru how dare you say such things to me?!"

She pouted her lips at him and Yumichika's indignant rage instantly vanished. He really loved the little mischief-maker and this time he genuinely smiled at her.

"You mustn't be that harsh, Vice-Captain. Words are just as hurtful as your zanpakutō." He gently replied as he stooped down to lift her up, but he was so weak he couldn't even do such a simple task as lifting a child that weighed less than fifty pounds. Panic settled in as he wondered if his Captain saw how that failed attempt. Zaraki seemed to be looking the other way, but Yachiru was about to open her big mouth and sell him out. He quickly shoved some candy in her mouth that he carried around for specifically these moments when he wanted her mouth shut. She smiled at him slyly as she chewed on her candy and Yumichika knew that he would have to stock up on candy for her if he wanted her mouth shut for the rest of the day.

"Every hour ."

"Every half hour." She replied.

"Every hour and a half."

"Every forty-five minutes." She stared at him darkly. He thought it over.

"Fine. Deal. You will get candy from me every forty-five minutes as long as you keep quiet about what happened just now."

"You got yourself a deal, Weirdy-chan."

Then in an uncharacteristic show of consideration, Yachiru hugged him and whispered in his ear "Don't worry Weirdy-chan, I'm sure Pachinko-head will come back and you'll soon feel better and stronger."

Emotions swelled up inside of Yumichika and he felt his body weakening further. It wasn't long before the captain or someone else found out the nature behind his fight with Ikkaku and that would be it for his presence in the Eleventh Division. No more Zaraki. No more Yachiru. No more Ikkaku. These people were more than just Division mates. They were like his family and he felt pretty sure that he was going to soon lose it all.

Yachiru pulled away from him, breaking him out of his thoughts.

"You better get well soon, Weirdy-chan. Or else you'll be in my debt for the rest of your afterlife."

She smiled brightly at him and Yumichika couldn't help but say what he said next,

"How come you have such great teeth after you eat all those sweets?"

"I keep 'em sharp by chewing on Pachinko-head." She giggled uncontrollably at her own joke while Yumichika smiled bitter-sweetly.

"Would you stop bothering him, Yachiru! He has to get to training those sorry sack of wimps."

"Aww, Kenny you ruin everything!"

Yumichika walked into the dojo to see the pathetic set of new recruits. He was most disappointed to see that they were lounging around casually talking and laughing as they no doubt had no idea that he had even entered the room. Usually, Yumichika would have scared them senseless as they would wonder whose massive reiatsu was coming their way. But today, he was so weak he stood at the door and no one even nodded in his direction.

"Are you ugly excuses for Eleventh Division recruits planning on ignoring your commanding officer much longer?" Yumichika asked with a deep edge in his voice.

Everyone hurried to their positions as they lined up in front of him and bowed deeply.

"We are truly sorry, Fifth Seat Ayasegawa-san. Please forgive us." They muttered in unison as if planning the apology.

Yumichika rolled his eyes at them. He really had no patience for this today.

"Now, I know that you must have entered the Eleventh Division because you all carry the same bloodthirsty love of fighting." Yumichika started off in a bored and slightly fatigued tone.

The recruits nodded eagerly amongst each other.

"But let me tell you that fighting has a lot to do with control. You must always control your emotions and think logically." Yumichika laughed inwardly at the hypocrisy of his statement. He sure as hell didn't show a lot of control last night when he spoke to Ikkaku. "I know the concept of thinking is quite foreign to most of you and all you know is how to clunk people over the head caveman style."

The recruits stared at him as if they were listening two words behinds. Finally they nodded their heads in understanding. Yumichika scoffed.

"If you are not the brightest star in the sky, and that is totally understandable because _I_ am the brightest star in the sky," He flicked his hair for added measure and ignored the sweatdropped looks of the recruits, "I suggest that you partner up with someone. In other words a Brains and Brawns team to dumb it down for you."

"Ohh, that's how you and Third Seat Ikkaku-san work right?" A rather brave young officer voiced.

Yumichika's eyes darkened and he felt his body experience a sinking feeling.

"Don't mention the Third Seat's name, please. He is not here; he has no business here at the moment. I cannot see why his name should be referenced. Got it?"

The new recruits all stared silently as they tried to figure out what was going on. It was well known, even in the Academy, that Yumichika Ayasegawa and Ikkaku Madarame were close.

Yumichika tried his best to ignore the looks of confusion of their faces. He didn't want to hear the name Ikkaku. He didn't want to hear the word 'promise' either. And he especially did not want hear the now ugliest phrase in the world – 'this is over'. He had to get these thoughts out of his mind. He tried to explain to them that when partnering each must compensate for the other's weaknesses and play on each other's strengths. But his voice was sounding distant. Memories of Ikkaku were pulling him down. Every spar they ever had, every kiss they ever shared, every touch he felt from Ikkaku, very conversation they ever had, every fight they ever got into suddenly converged on him. A dark hopeless sensation filled him. He dimly heard them inquire after him.

"Fifth Seat Ayasegawa-san, are you alright?"

"I'm fine. I just need to –" But he never finished his sentence as he felt his body floating to the ground.

*

Yumichika opened his eyes to see the calming eyes of the Captain of the Fourth Division, Unohana Retsu, staring down at him. At first disoriented, he was surprised to see her as he was still thinking that he was in the Dojo and was about to ask her what she was doing in the Eleventh Division. But then it dawned on him. He was lying in a cot in the Fourth Division. How unbeautiful, he sighed, he had fainted in front of his new recruits. Now they thought he was weak. What an ugly misconception.

"Fifth Seat Ayasegawa-san, I've tried to elevate your reiatsu but it seems you have a mental block to the process. You are carrying a lot of stress and it is seriously affecting your health. If you do not remedy the situation I'm afraid I won't be able to remedy you." Unohana said. She smiled benevolently and walked out of the room leaving Yumichika feeling possibly worse than how he started out this morning. Maybe he should apologize to Ikkaku if only for his health.

Yumichika sighed. This situation had gotten impossibly out of control. He had lost the one person whom he cared about more than himself. And if he didn't get him back his health would continue to deteriorate. And if his health didn't improve he would lose his position in the Division. He was so frustrated he wanted to hold his head in his hands and bawl, but unfortunately he was too weak to even lift his hands to his face.

"So, I heard that you're sick."

Yumichika looked up to see Hisagi standing in the doorway, leaning casually as if he were posing for a centre spread in 'Seretei Communications'. Well he simply did not have the best profile face, Yumichika thought cynically. Hisagi always managed to bring out the worst in him.

"I am not sick." Yumichika responded in his haughtiest voice possible.

"Oh yes, that's right. You're lovesick." He said with a smirk as he moved in closer to stand at the foot of Yumichika's cot.

"Please don't let anyone hear you spouting such foolish, ugly lies."

"But that's the rumour all over the Eleventh Division. They say that you're nursing heartbreak because Ikkaku left you."

Yumichika nearly turned as white as the sheets that he lay on. People were talking. He was going to kill those new recruits as soon as he got out of here! Suddenly Hisagi's ear-splitting laugh brought him back to reality.

"You should see your face." Hisagi howled, "I guess the rumours are true."

Yumichika tried his best to calm himself, but it was so difficult. His head was beginning to spin again.

"Contraty to what you may have heard, Ikkaku did not leave me. He is simply on a mission in the Living World. And even if he did leave me, I _can_ exist without him!"

That little spirited speech had taken a lot out of him and by now the room was slowly swimming before him. Oh how he wished he could believe any of those words he had just said.

"Hmmph. Look at you," Hisagi said in a much more serious tone, "you're letting yourself get sick over this situation."

By this time Yumichika was feeling too exhausted to even speak, so Hisagi took the opportunity to continue.

"I've always known you to be proud. You were too proud to lose to me, so you showed me the true form of your zanpakutō. You're too proud to admit that you're sick and heartbroken to the point that your reiatsu is dangerously low and now you've landed yourself in the hospital. But from what little I do know of you I suppose that is to be expected. What I didn't expect was that you'd be too proud to admit that you were wrong to lie to the one person that would put up with your self-absorbed ways."

Yumichika's eyes nearly fell out of their sockets. How dare Hisagi lecture him?! He felt nauseous and weak as the room was whirling around him.

"Yeah I know, you're probably feeling like shit right now or as you would put it – 'like the ugliest person in the world'. But don't blame me for your problems. You can only blame yourself. "

Actually, Yumichika had no problem laying blame onto Hisagi. If that idiot had kept his big mouth shut about Ruri'iro Kujaku, Ikkaku would not have known anything and he would not have been lying in the Fourth Division feeling like he got beat up by Old Man Yamamoto.

"Look at you; you're going to die alone in a hospital bed simply because you were too proud to admit that you were wrong." Hisagi continued, "You could be with the one person you really care about more than yourself, but instead you're here with me."

And believe me that is not a joy, Yumichika thought, as he struggled not to pass out.

"If Ikkaku knew what was happening to you right now, I'm sure he would be rushing to get Captain Unohana to come save you. But would he still do that now that you have refused to put your false pride aside and apologize? No, I don't think so. You hear any footsteps running down the hall to come save you? I don't hear anything. You know why? Because you pushed away the one person that would have done anything for you, you selfish bastard."

Hisagi really needed to learn more about proper deathbed conversation, Yumichika thought cynically. He wanted to scream. Of course he knew Hisagi was right. This situation was his entire fault. He was going to lose everything. His chest was tightening and he struggled to breathe. He could feel his breath coming out in ragged rasps and the tears trickled down his cheeks. He wanted so badly to tell Ikkaku that he was sorry. Never in his entire afterlife of over two hundred years had he ever felt such wracking regret.

"But don't get me wrong. I understand what it's like to feel so out of place in such a fundamental way. You must feel like your zanpakutō betrayed you. I feel like that too. I understand the disappointment you must feel. I like you Yumichika. I really do."

Well he sure had a funny way of showing it, Yumichika thought. Hisagi's voice was starting to sound distant (not that Yumichika was complaining about that), but it meant that he was getting closer to death's door. He really was going to die alone, without Ikkaku. An overwhelming sense of loss and melancholy swelled inside him. He was so afraid, though not of death – he'd been there and done that. No, he was afraid that Ikkaku would remain to think him selfish and too proud to admit that he was wrong. He would have done anything to let Ikkaku know how sorry he really was.

"I think that under different circumstances we could have been friends." Hisagi continued, "That's probably why I'm doing this. I want you to see that you're throwing away something very important. I believe that you should always be honest to yourself and the people that you love. Surprisingly I learnt that from someone that spent years lying to me and the rest of Soul Society. Anyway, what I'm trying to say if that you really shouldn't let your pride get in the way."

And with that he left Yumichika whose eyes were closing down. His body had been having slight seizures during Hisagi's long-winded speech, but now there was only calmness. He could see Yumichika struggling to speak, so Hisagi paused at the door knowing that the Fifth Seat could still hear him, if only barely.

"By the way, I was not the one who told Ikkaku about your zanpakutō. I might have set some things in motion and that's why I believe that it's only fair that I convince you to put aside your pride and apologize, like I am doing now. I am sorry Yumichika. I had no idea that a simple slip of the tongue could have caused so much trouble."

With that he stepped outside leaving Yumichika feeling a new sensation. He felt like he was slowly falling. So that was Hisagi's weird and sadistic way of telling him he had too much pride. A cruel, unusual, but effective lesson, Yumichika thought as he continued to feel that falling sensation. But that was a thought that was spared only for a moment. All he could really think about was Ikkaku.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N**: Hello everyone, thank you so very much for reviewing and adding me to your faves and alerts. It really means a lot to me and it is giving me inspiration to continue forward.

I hope that you enjoy it.

* * *

This time around the actual physical experience of dying wasn't so bad, Yumichika thought. Though he didn't remember much from his first death, he remembered enough to know that it was physically excruciating. But this time all he felt was a surreal experience of falling. It wasn't really a pleasant sensation, but it wasn't all bad either. To be fair, the worst part was the wretchedness of his mind. All he could think about was Ikkaku. As a matter of fact a particular memory kept on plaguing him.

_Stacks of magazines lay on the floor of the Fourth Division where Yumichika had recently taken up temporary residence next to Ikkaku's cot. In an effort to distract himself from Ikkaku's grave situation Yumichika had developed a new obsession – magazines from the Living World. He took great pleasure in critiquing the models, the fashion and the advice articles. '50 ways to please your man in bed'; Yumichika scoffed – there were only six ways. 'Why grey is the new orange'; tsk, tsk, he muttered, grey could never replace orange in autumn. These Living World magazines were so entertaining, but most of all they were distracting. He tried his best not to think of the fact that it had been two weeks since Ikkaku had fallen into a coma. If he allowed himself to fully accept the fact that he could lose Ikkaku he might go crazy, and the members of the Fourth Division already thought him insufferable enough. He had demanded that someone check Ikkaku's vitals every hour, but soon complained that they were not thorough enough and so he took over the job. He didn't like the idea that Ikkaku was sharing a room with other potentially-contagious disease-infected individuals, so he complained and quarrelled until the Fourth Division finally gave in and gave Ikkaku a room all to himself. He thought that the healers were incompetent in wrapping Ikkaku's wounds so he took over the job himself. The more he thought about the incompetence that Ikkaku had to suffer through, the more agitated he became and soon he was practically ripping pages from the magazines. _

"_Let me guess, the Fourth Division is completely incompetent." _

_Yumichika nearly jumped from surprise and shock at the weak, raspy voice. _

"_Ikkaku!" _

_Hours later Yumichika was sitting next to Ikkaku as he slowly ate his soup, feeling satisfied that Captain Unohana had successfully and capably attended to Ikkaku. He wasn't convinced that Ikkaku was strong enough to feed himself, but the idea of feeding Ikkaku in public was never an option. With the exception of the one time in the 5__th__ District, Ikkaku was a strict no public display of affection believer. Yumichika assumed that it was this attitude that led everyone to doubt that the two were actually in a relationship. Despite the generally don't ask-don't tell stance of the Seretei that had managed to keep persons guessing as to the true nature of their relationship, all suspicions were confirmed after Yumichika's behaviour during the last three weeks. Yumichika decided to take in front and let Ikkaku know about his behaviour before he heard the distorted rumours from someone else. _

"_I was very worried about you Ikkaku," He started off slowly._

"_Che. Why? You know I can't go down so easily." _

"_Of course." Yumichika answered offhandedly as he flipped furiously through the magazines. _

_Ikkaku stopped eating his soup and placed it on the bedside table. _

"_Something bothering ya?" Ikkaku asked seriously. _

_Yumichika continued to flip through the pages, his mind seeing nothing as he wondered how to brace the topic, but it was Ikkaku that broke the silence. _

"_At one point in time during the fight I wasn't able to feel your reiatsu." _

_Yumichika looked up at Ikkaku who was looking the other way, through the window. He knew Ikkaku well enough to know that that was the gruff man's way of saying that he was worried about Yumichika. This vague show of his feelings was obviously uncomfortable for Ikkaku, so Yumichika decided to lighten the mood by telling him of his battle with Charlotte Cuulhorne. By the time Yumichika reached the part about Charlotte's Resurrection Ikkaku was laughing with tears coming out of his eyes. _

"_Are you telling me that you got your ass handed to you by a cross-dressing Arrancar in high-heels?" Ikkaku asked between huffs of breath. He was laughing so hard he forgot to breathe. _

_Yumichika huffed and rolled his eyes, clearly regretting his decision about giving Ikkaku this story. _

"_Only initially!" Yumichika screamed in defence, which only served to humour Ikkaku further, "I defeated that ugly excuse for an opponent."_

"_So, how did you finally beat him?" Ikkaku asked as he wiped away the tears from his eyes. _

_It was Yumichika's turn to avert his face and look out the window. _

"_You know, sliced him into four neat, little sections when he left himself open." He muttered offhandedly and waited for Ikkaku to say something, but got no response. It was the same after he told Ikkaku about his defeat of Hisagi. He wondered if Ikkaku doubted him. It was in his mind, right? Finally, after a few moments, Ikkaku spoke up, his face also averted._

"_I'm very proud of you. You did better than me. I was real worried about ya. I had a lot of things on my mind during that fight. Yeah I know, that isn't really like me. But you were on my mind. I wasn't sensing your reiatsu after a while. I was real worried about ya. And then I made some bad calls on my part. I didn't want to release my bankai. Iba let me know that I was being selfish. Said that my pride would get me killed. Said some things that really had me thinking." _

_Yumichika said nothing since he knew all about pride getting in the way. He was willing to die at the hands of Charlotte Cuulhorne because he did not want Ikkaku to know about the true form of his zanpakuto. A silence erupted between them as the two men got lost in their musings. It was eventually broken by Ikkaku. _

"_Whaddya think? Think I was being selfish?" _

_Yumichika was quiet for a while as he struggled not to say that they were both being selfish. He was being selfish right now by not letting Ikkaku know his secret, but he wasn't ready to divulge that secret. So instead, he opted for (indignant?) rage. _

"_How do they say in the Living World? Umm, duh! You would have died and where would _I_ be?" _

_Ikkaku turned on him feeling miffed. _

"_Che. This isn't about you!" _

"_It's always about me." Yumichika stated as if a matter of fact and flicked his hair for emphasis, "You should know that by now. You would have died and I would have been all by myself. Who would keep me company then?" _

_Ikkaku struggled to keep his smile under wraps. He knew this was Yumichika's weird way of saying that he was worried that he almost lost him. _

"_You could be with Izuru," Ikkaku teased as his lips curved into a sly smile as he saw Yumichika's face turn white, "When I was out I still heard the healers talking about how he restrained you. I think he just wanted to have you all to himself." _

_Yumichika looked murderous. Well at least now he didn't have to tell Ikkaku about his embarrassing behaviour._

"_You're lucky that you're in bandages or I would beat you senseless for suggesting something so ugly."_

_Ikkaku howled with laughter. _

"_Oh come on, don't tell me that you would have missed me, when you could have Izuru to take my place." Ikkaku teased, his maniacal grin plastered on. _

"_Right now, the prospect of me missing you seems grim." Yumichika scowled and shuddered at the thought of Izuru snuggling up to him, but Ikkaku only laughed at Yumi's biting sarcasm. After a while however, Ikkaku seemed to realize that Yumichika was genuinely miffed about the joke, so he pulled Yumichika from his seat on the chair to come sit beside him on the bed as he hugged him. _

_Yumichika grew instantly flustered. _

"_What are you doing? Anybody could walk in." Yumichika's eyes were darting furiously from the door to Ikkaku, mainly because he was wondering if Ikkaku suffered some sort of lingering head trauma for him to be so openly affectionate. _

"_It was nice of ya to wait for me to wake up." Ikkaku whispered. _

"_Why wouldn't I? Suppose you died? I wouldn't want you to go through that alone. I know I wouldn't." _

_Ikkaku thought about what he said, but his thoughts were broken by Yumi. _

"_You know sometimes, just sometimes, I wish we had a different life." _

"_Really? What kinda life?" Ikkaku asked, genuinely interested. _

"_A simple life. Now, don't get me wrong I love my life as it is now. It's beautiful. It's absolutely beautiful. Everyday I get to live a life where I witness the beauty of fighting and of death. There's something stunning and captivating about someone giving their all to fight for their life, their pride, their...whatever they are fighting for. But sometimes, I want a simple life, where death is not something..." he struggled for the words, "...prominent." _

"_I thought you were not afraid of death," _

"_I'm not afraid of _my_ death."He said as he pierced Ikkaku with his eyes. Usually such a passionate look caused Ikkaku to feel uncomfortable; too many emotions in one look. But this time he held Yumichika's gaze. He understood the meaning behind Yumichika's words. He was afraid of losing him. "I'm afraid of dying alone."Yumichika stated matter-of-factly. _

_Ikkaku said nothing for a while and neither did Yumichika. Despite his inane ability to drive Ikkaku crazy sometimes by mentioning the word 'beautiful' one too many times, Yumichika always knew when silence was needed. The silence stretched for so long that when Ikkaku finally spoke, it took Yumichika a couple of seconds to figure out what he was referring to. _

"_I guess that's my fear too." _

_Yumichika stared at him. "Huh?" _

"_Dying alone." _

"_What?" _

"_What? You get amnesia during that space of time? Ya brain fall asleep? I'm talking about dying alone! It's my fear too, ya fool." _

_Yumichika blinked a few times. _

"_Ohhh, right." _

_Ikkaku rolled his eyes. "You really know how to ruin a moment." He muttered. _

"_Sorry, but my mind wandered off to more beautiful topics; like myself." Yumichika replied, his eyes dreamy with thoughts of himself. _

"_Yeah, ya know what? Dying alone doesn't seem so bad now." Ikkaku growled at him, but Yumichika just laughed. _

"_You really irritate me sometimes." Ikkaku grumbled. _

"_Likewise. How about we irritate each other up to our last moments? That way, we might not feel so bad about leaving each other behind." _

_Ikkaku smirked and hugged Yumichika tighter. _

"_Deal. Now go lock the door." _

_Yumichika gave him a raised eyebrow. _

"_I don't want anyone to see what I do to you when you irritate me." He said slyly. _

Of all the memories that would invade his mind at this time, why that one, Yumichika thought as a strange tingling sensation enveloped him. It was like something hot was entering his body that before now he hadn't even realized was cold. He tried to open his eyes, but they were so heavy, like iron curtains. Why bother to fight it, he thought. He was going to die alone; he might as well succumb to the feeling. But that wasn't really his choice. His mind wanted to yell for help, for Ikkaku. But his body was already giving up.

*

He was alive. He knew because he could feel. He could feel the bed sheets under him and he could smell the faint scent of Captain Unohana's perfume that lingered in the air wherever she went. But most of all, he could feel reiatsu and there was someone else in the room with him. What a disappointment though, it was not the reiatsu that he was hoping to find. Instead, Yumichika struggled to open his eyes to confirm that he really was sensing the reiatsu of Lieutenant Izuru Kira.

"You're not what I would call a sight for sore eyes, Lieutenant." Yumichika spoke rather breathlessly. It was still so hard to breathe.

The generally dejected face of Lieutenant Kira looked a bit happier to see Yumichika, as he clearly ignored Yumichika's first choice of words.

"Fifth Seat Ayasegawa-san, it's good that you've finally woken. You've been out for hours. Everyone was worried about you."

"Everyone except that heartless brute, Hisagi." Yumichika scowled as he struggled to sit up. Immediately Kira rushed to his side to help him, but his hands were knocked aside by Yumichika.

"Why would you say that?" Kira continued, ignoring Yumichika's slap. He seemed to have immense skill in patience. "Hisagi-san was the one that alerted Captain Unohana to your condition."

"Really?" Yumichika paused. It seemed that Hisagi really wanted to give him a second chance with Ikkaku after all. Why, was a question that was beyond him at the moment. A silence lapsed between the two men. It was so uncomfortable and ugly, thought Yumichika. It felt like it was filling up the entire room and Yumichika wanted none of the ugly, poisonous silence to suffocate him, so he spoke up.

"Why are you here?"

"I came to see how you were doing." Izuru answered immediately as if expecting the question.

"I can't see why you would care."

"I do care about what happens to my fellow Shinigami. I know that you've had a hard time in the last two weeks. It must be hard waking up to find that you almost died."

"I've had worst experiences," Yumichika said in a casual tone, but his mind finished his sentence, 'But none so unbeautiful as this.'

"I know that you really care about Ikkaku-san, I can see that now."

"Don't listen to the ugly rumours, Izuru-san; I am not sick because of Ikkaku."

"I never said that you were."

"Hmm."

"But the rumours say that the two of you had a huge fight and that he left you and that's why you're sick. If that were true, I could only imagine how you must feel. It must be very difficult to have to deal with a break-up, then get sick because of said break-up and the person that is the cause of your strife does not even care to show up. That must be very difficult indeed. There're also rumours that without Ikkaku you're too weak to be on your own and that the Eleventh Division might transfer you to another squad, since they have no room or tolerance for weaklings."

Yumichika's countenance paled. People were talking.

"They're saying that Ikkaku-san is to blame for your predicament, since it all started when he left you. And he doesn't seem to care. He hasn't even returned to Soul Society to see whether you're alright or not, and he must have heard by now. His companion of so long is dying alone in the Fourth Division and he's nowhere to be found. That must be very difficult indeed, to have to deal with all those rumours."

Yumichika did not respond to Izuru because his mind was busy in overload. People were talking. They were saying that he was weak. They were saying that he was lovesick. They were saying that this was all Ikkaku's fault. And by Kami, they were right. He and Ikkaku could have quietly worked things out like they usually did; like they were supposed to since they were partners for life. But no. Ikkaku ran like the wind, leaving Yumichika here to fight up with rumours, bad health and a broken promise. Yumichika thought to himself, that he was definitely not going to apologize now. As a matter of fact, if he ever saw Ikkaku again, he'll kill him.

"Ayasegawa-san? Yumichika?" Izuru called, but got no answer. Yumichika had lapsed into a contemplative spell that unfortunately left him with a hideous scowl on his face, but Izuru thought it wise not to inform the beauty-conscious man of something that might quite likely throw him over the edge. He decided to take his leave now. Besides, he was feeling a familiar reiatsu coming this way and he had no intention of being caught up in the storm. He was merely going to pick up the broken pieces.

Izuru left and five minutes later another person was standing at Yumichika's door. Yumichika did not even bother to look up. He was feeling better enough to sense reiatsu, especially the all too familiar reiatsu of Ikkaku.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N**: hello everyone, thanks for all the reviews! They really helped me out and encouraged me to go on since this chapter proved really difficult to write. I hope you like it. Fiona Apple's 'Sleep to Dream' heavily influenced this one.

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Bleach.

* * *

Ikkaku wasn't really sure of the exact emotions he was feeling at the moment. He knew that anger and regret was there, but the rest of the emotions were too muddled for a simple man as himself to correctly single out and identify. He was not as eloquent or expressive as Yumichika and so at the moment he would simply describe himself as feeling hurt. And sitting in the empty room that he shared with Yumichika was not helping the situation either, no matter how much sake he drank, and he drank a lot. Five bottles littered the normally neat and immaculate room, but he needed something to deaden the pain inside him. He wanted to erase all memories of Yumichika; let his mind be eternally spotless and his heart love-free. He supposed sitting in the room that he shared with the man in question was not going to help the situation, but he also supposed that he was being masochistic. He might as well be hurtful to himself, after all he had just spent the last half hour saying the most hurtful things to someone that he claimed he loved and no amount of sake was taking away those memories.

*

"_What's the matter with you? I left you fine and when I come back you're in the Fourth Division, eh weakling?" Ikkaku had decided to start off casual, you know, keep things light. But judging from the murderous look that he got from Yumichika he realized instantly that what he said was a mistake. Yumichika was in no mood for joking. Ikkaku knew the look well, so he braced himself for a battle as he quietly closed the door behind him and he inched closer to Yumichika's cot. _

_Yumichika slowly turned to look at him, piercing him with his stunning lavender eyes. Ikkaku hated when he did that. He always felt scrutinized and sometimes even paralysed by the emotions behind the look. Usually he saw a lot of love behind those lavender eyes, but today he saw something a lot deadlier. Yumichika spoke in a slow, controlled voice, his tone haughtier than ever. _

"_You want to know what happened to me? Apparently, according to Captain Unohana, I've been suffering due to the situation between us. It's caused a lot of stress for me and it has affected my reiatsu. It's been happening since you left me." He spat out the last few words like they burnt his mouth. Ikkaku opened his mouth to speak, but was interrupted, "I don't know what you've been dealing with in your safe haven in the real world, but as for me, Ikkaku, I've been in my own personal hell!" _

"_You make it sound like I was just living it up on vacation in the Living World! It was a living hell for me too!" Ikkaku growled. He hated what Yumichika was insinuating. He did care. _

"_Well you can go back there for all I care," Yumichika stated rather calmly as he averted his eyes to the window. _

_Ikkaku looked at Yumichika in utter disbelief. But really he should not be surprised. No matter the situation, Yumichika was an expert twisting it around until the other party seemed at fault. Every argument they ever had usually ended up with Ikkaku apologizing for things that were not necessarily his fault. But he was not going to stand for it this time. _

"_Nice try, but don't try to make this sound like it's my fault. You're just running away from your responsibility." _

"_I was not the one that ran, coward." _

_Ikkaku's face blanched. What did Yumichika just call him?_

"_You could never be speaking to me." Ikkaku said in a low, grumble. _

_Yumichika scoffed as he smiled a devious little smile that put Ikkaku ill at ease. _

"_Hmmph. First you run me down to be with me, and then you run like the wind to get away from me." _

"_I have never chased after you." _

_Yumichika completely ignored him and continued. _

"_You chase after me. You beg for me. Whose name do you moan? Mine. And now you run away from me." _

_Ikkaku blushed furiously from shame and anger that Yumichika would dare hit him such a low, personal blow. A fiery anger erupted inside him, but he still tried to keep his voice calm and collected. _

"_I'm no coward, Yumichika. I face my battles head-on. We of the Eleventh Division are no cowards. We're direct and straightforward. We don't beat around the bush. Or in your case, the vines." _

_Yumichika's face contorted into a scowl. Ikkaku couldn't help himself, though as soon as he said what he said next, he wished that he hadn't. _

"_Don't do your face like that. It looks ugly. And you better keep that pretty face if you want me to keep on moaning your name." _

_Ikkaku ducked just in time to avoid getting smashed in the head with the vase on the bedside table. _

"_I have never been so insulted in all my life," Yumichika hissed, "You make it sound like I'm easily replaced. But let me tell you that you can't do better than this. Because this," He gestured to himself, "is the best you'll ever have." _

_Ikkaku didn't bother to counter, mainly because he knew that Yumichika was right, but also because he really hadn't meant to hit the man with such a serious insult and slight guilt was settling into him. He might as well have spit in Yumi's face. This argument was getting out of control and he had to rein it in fast. _

"_Yumichika, I came here to talk –" Yumichika cut him off again. _

"_Oh so now you want to talk" _

"_Che. Would you stop acting like the world crumbled within the last two weeks!" Ikkaku shouted as his patience thinned. _

"_It did" He screeched! "While you were out cutting down Hollows, I was left with my, together with your, paperwork and duties. On top of that I was left wondering if you were going to come back to me. I had rumours to deal with. People were talking, Ikkaku! I got sick because of you! I nearly died! Look at me; I'm lying here in the bloody Fourth Division where I have to deal with fools like Kira and Hisagi! And you know what's the worst part? I have bags under my eyes! Bags, Ikkaku! Bags! I look like a bloody zombie because of you!" _

_Ikkaku sweatdropped. It never ceased to amaze him how Yumichika managed to bring his looks into any argument. _

"_Can't you get your zanpakutō to fix it for you?" Ikkaku casually asked. Yumichika was beginning to really irk him. Yumichika didn't bother to respond, but instead just averted his gaze to the window, "Yeah, ya think I forgot? I know what ya doin'. Ya trying to go off topic. This is how you usually win all of our arguments. You carry on about everything besides the issue at hand, until stupid me forgets what we were even arguing for in the first place. But that's not gonna work this time, Yumichika. I can't forget something like this. You lied to me." _

_Yumichika didn't miss a beat with his response. _

"_And you broke your promise." _

_Ikkaku's eyes widened at the comment. As much he chastised Yumichika about his bad habits, he was employing the same beat-around-the-bush tactic, secretly hoping that Yumichika would not notice that Ikkaku had promised that he would never leave his side. Fuck! He should have known that he was dealing with a professional at mind fuck games. _

"_Yeah, but you lied to me!"_

"_Are you trying to say that what I did was worse? Because if that's the case I should remind you that you lied to me too. 'I'll never desert you'. 'Nothing you confess can make me love you less'. Remember those words? Well I do."_

_A slight tic had developed in Ikkaku's right eye and he was quite possibly about to have an aneurysm judging by the raised veins in his head. It was not that he did not care about the promise he made to the man, but he knew Yumichika was simply being too proud and selfish to apologize for the lies that he told. Yumichika was trying his patience. He tried his best to maintain a calm voice, but it came out like a growl. _

"_Yumichika, I know what you're trying to do. I know you too well. Yer trying to make me feel guilty, then next thing I know I'm apologizing to ya after I forget what we were arguin' for in the first place. It's not going to work this time. The real issue here is that you've been lying to me for years." _

"_Why are _you _ignoring the fact that you broke a promise to me?" _

"_Fuck the promise!" Ikkaku screamed. His patience had finally snapped, but the look of absolute hurt in Yumichika's eyes filled him with a harrowing regret. But he didn't get a chance to express his regret because Yumichika cut him off. _

_In a frighteningly calm voice, Yumichika said, _

"_I tell you how I feel, but you don't care. You want to talk about me hiding the true nature of my zanpakutō? Fine. You want to talk about how I am able to rise to a position where I am just as good as you on only a half-released shikai? No problem. You want to talk about how the real issue here is that you're just scared that I'm stronger than you? Sure we can talk about that." _

_Sometimes, when someone experiences such unfathomable rage, a blind fury enters their brain and focuses their thoughts on one thing only and that is, to hurt in the most cruel way possible. Ikkaku had reached that point where all he wanted was for Yumichika to suffer. He had lost his temper together with any hopes of reasoning as he shouted in rage. _

"_I'm scared that you're stronger than me?! Che. Yer the one that's fainting 'cause ya too weak to be without me. I'm the one that saved your skinny ass so many times in the Rukongai and now ya telling me that you're stronger than me, eh person lying in the Fourth Division! Who protected ya pansy ass from those fucking perverts that wanted ya body? And now you tryin' to tell me that I'm jealous that you're stronger than me? Yeah, fuck my promise to you. I don't know why I would ever wanna be by the side of such an ungrateful, ugly, weakling." _

_Yumichika's zanpakutō came crashing down, but Ikkaku blocked the blow with his own zanpakutō, only momentarily surprised that someone as sick as Yumichika could move so briskly._

"_I am not ugly." Yumichika edged out._

_Ikkaku looked at how Yumichika laboured under the simple task of holding up his zanpakutō and the sight only infuriated him more. Yumichika had attacked his pride. How dare he say that I'm jealous that he was stronger than me, Ikkaku raged in his mind. Ikkaku easily pushed away Yumichika. He watched as Yumichika struggled to breathe; his body so weak he could not even hold up his zanpakutō, which he had let fall from his hands and onto the ground. The rage inside of Ikkaku left him with no pity for his lover. _

"_Che. Look at ya. You can't even hold up your kido-based," he spat out the word like it was bitter on his tongue, "zanpakutō. And you want to tell me that you're stronger than me? Ha. Ya weakling." _

"_I'm weak because of you." Yumichika rasped. He was relapsing again. His body could not handle the strain of all that stress twice in one day and it suffered slight convulsions. Ikkaku's rage momentarily ebbed as he rushed forward to Yumi's side. But Yumichika viciously slapped away his hand. The fury returned and Ikkaku forced himself not to look at Yumichika anymore as he stormed out of the room ignoring the crowd of people that had gathered at the door to listen. If he had, he might have seen Yumichika struggling to get out the words, "I'm sorry."_

_* _

The memory left a bitter taste in his mouth, even bitterer than the sake. Did regret have a taste? He wasn't sure but he knew that his senses were being assaulted by memories. The room smelt of Yumichika. It was slightly melancholy, arousing, yet calming at the same time, if that was even possible. He leaned on the futon and felt the soft, smooth silk sheets that he had scoured the Rukongai for, just for Yumichika's comfort. His eyes scanned over the scrolls of calligraphy done by Yumichika that hung gracefully on the walls of the room. Ikkaku tried not to let his mind wander to the afternoons that Yumichika had tried to teach him calligraphy; a futile effort since they always ended up making love instead. It was definitely over now. There was no way that he could possibly go back to Yumichika after all the things that he said to him. He wondered how it was going to be after this. Yumichika did not forgive easily. He still hadn't forgiven Izuru for restraining him during the battle with Aizen and that was over a year ago! Plus, it was not as insulting as all the things that Ikkaku had just said to him. But words were like feathers left at the doorstep - impossible to get back. Speaking of doorstep, a faint knock came at the door, but Ikkaku already knew that it was Izuru.

Izuru stepped in and sat on one of the beautiful tatami mats. He was unable to hide his appreciation of the quality of the mat that was edged in fine silk. Ikkaku noticed his awe and scoffed.

"Yumichika likes nice things. He doesn't ask for it, but I like to see him happy, so I spend most of my money on gifts for him. That mat was a gift. It's probably a good thing. I'd probably spend most of my money on sake and bandages."

"And what about him? Does he spend most of his money on you?"

"He knows that I'm not a materialistic person."

"Oh." Was all the Lieutenant could say, but Ikkaku read that his statement meant that he didn't believe that was the reason.

"I know what you're thinking. You think Yumichika is selfish and spoilt., don't ya?"

"Isn't he?" Izuru said as he stood up and approached Ikkaku on the futon, "He doesn't even want to apologize for lying to you because he has too much pride. He's conceited, selfish and spoilt." He said as he sat down next to Ikkaku.

Ikkaku took another swig of his sake. He already knew all of Yumichika's faults, but that didn't mean that he did not love him in spite of his faults.

"I've said some pretty mean things to him tonight. He'll never forgive me."

"Neither of you didn't say anything that you didn't mean." Izuru countered.

"I didn't mean it. Che. He just got me so angry!"

"That's just his nature. I can't see why you would want to be with someone that has the power to hurt so badly and actually acts on it."

"Yeah, but I made a promise to stay with him. I knew exactly what I was getting into when I said that I want to be with him."

"Do you still want to be with him? Even after he said all those things to you? Even after he lied to you for all of those years? And then he had the audacity to say that he's stronger and better than you; that he doesn't need you. You still want to be with him after all that?"

If he wasn't under the heavy influence of alcohol, Ikkaku might have questioned how did Izuru know what Yumichika had said to him. He might have even have questioned Izuru's presence at the moment. But Ikkaku instead chose to take another burning gulp of sake and feel his brain get fuzzier as he ignored the fact that Izuru was dangerously close to him. A silence passed between them and Izuru's words settled into Ikkaku's quickly muddling brain. After a while he spoke up.

"I still want to be with him. But I know that it's over." Ikkaku said sombrely. Knowing that you lost the best thing that you ever had and admitting it out loud was entirely different. Ikkaku was not one to cry. In fact he had no memories of ever crying, but he came pretty close to it just then. It was a feeling of desperation and melancholy that Izuru confessed to know very well.

"I wish the feeling would go away." Ikkaku said.

"It never quite does." Izuru replied.

Ikkaku looked at him, his eyes almost pleading for reality to change. Izuru knew the look well, after all he himself wore it so often.

"No Ikkaku-san, that feeling never quite goes away, but we can try to forget it for a while."

Ikkaku should have pulled away when Izuru kissed him, but that night he should not have done a lot of things, but he did them anyway.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N**: Hello everyone, thanks a lot for the wonderful reviews. Here's the next chapter – told ya that you wouldn't have to wait long. Maxwell's 'Bad Habit" sorta inspired this chappie.

* * *

Izuru kissed Ikkaku hard; his tongue searching furiously inside the mouth that was still warm with sake. He gave Ikkaku no openings to stop and think about what he was doing; no time for logic as he ripped off the drunken man's obi and let his hands explore the toned body underneath it all. This was what he had wanted; what he had craved for over a year now. Izuru had a bad habit of falling into love with men that could never return it. First there was Captain Ichimaru. How he loved that man and still does! But his captain's heart belonged to Matsumoto and the only love he had for Izuru was the pleasure he took in torturing, exploiting and teasing the shy Lieutenant about his one-sided love. Then came Hisagi. What were the odds that Hisagi was just as unavailable as Captain Ichimaru because his heart also longed for Matsumoto and (even though he would never admit it) Yumichika Ayasegawa. But Hisagi was not as bad; Izuru may not have gained his love, but he at least had gained a best friend in Hisagi. And here he was again, this time with Ikkaku. But this time he had the opportunity to change the status from unrequited love. As he bit down on Ikkaku's neck and let his hands roam freely between his legs he tried his best not to think of Yumichika Ayasegawa and the hurt that he was suffering. He tried his best to focus on the hurt that he had suffered through for years and how this was his chance to rise up from that depressing, lonely place.

But Izuru was beginning to feel guilty. He never really meant for things to get so out of hand, but somehow it had. Actually, he wasn't really sure of his goal, but he knew he never initially wanted to hurt Ayasegawa-san, despite the cold treatment that he received from the Fifth Seat. Well to be honest, Ayasegawa-san was not disrespectful or snappy to him in any way – that would be childish and petty, and that was not considered beautiful, right – isn't that what he would say? No, Ayasegawa-san was quite polite when he ever saw Izuru. He always greeted him and gave him a slight smile, but that was it. Nothing more and Izuru felt horrible for it. But in his defence he had never meant to insult or disrespect the Fifth Seat in any way. He was simply preventing Ayasegawa from getting into further trouble by abandoning his pillar by rushing to Ikkaku's aid and being insubordinate to a commanding officer. Really that was his intention. Izuru never expected for things to get so out of hand. And least of all he never expected to fall for Ikkaku-san.

*

"_Oi, Izuru!" _

_The perpetually depressed blond Lieutenant of the Third Division turned around to greet Ikkaku who was hurrying up the halls of the Fourth Division with as much gusto as one could while being wrapped almost completely with bandages. _

"_Third Seat Ikkaku-san," Izuru said in his usual melancholic tone, "you shouldn't be up and about. Your injuries are still too recent." _

"_Ah, Izuru you know I'm tougher than that. This," Ikkaku pointed to his bandages, "is not even a flesh wound. I don't know what's up with Unohana making me look like I got really injured or something. She's gonna make people think that I'm weak!" And with that he began to earnestly tear at the tightly wrapped bandages. _

"_Ikkaku-san, please stop." Izuru moved forward to cease Ikkaku's hands from re-opening his wounds. But a sudden feeling came over him as he rested his hands over Ikkaku's, and his hands grazed the hardened muscles underneath. Izuru felt himself blush and he quickly removed his hands. In his best authoritative voice that he could muster he said, _

"_Madarame, you must not remove your bandages. It is too soon." Then he added in a low conspiratorial whisper, "Besides, Captain Unohana would not like it. And everyone knows not to ever make her angry." _

_Ikkaku's face paled at the thought of angry Squad Four Captain and his hands instantly stopped fidgeting with his bandages. _

"_You're absolutely right. The sooner I get outta here, the better."_

_Izuru smiled and tried his best to keep his focus on Ikkaku's face and not let his eyes wander to the almost indecently exposed white kimono covering (rather barely covering) Ikkaku's body, _

"_Is there something you wanted, Ikkaku-san?" _

"_Huh? Oh yes. Listen Izuru, I just wanted to say thanks for restraining Yumichika the other day in battle. He's not exactly happy about it, but I'm glad you did. Seeing me all beat up and fallen woulda take a hard toll on him and I don't want him to worry over me. He says he doesn't and he generally does a good job of pretending not to, but sometimes when he does...Well, let's just say that it's not good for him. Ya know, it's not good for his health when he worries." _

_Izuru smiled his languid smile that he gave to everyone lately. It was so nice of Ikkaku-san to be that considerate and sensitive. It was quite surprising, really, to find out that the battle-crazy Third Seat actually could be thoughtful. Izuru tilted his head to the side and looked at Ikkaku as if seeing him for the first time. _

"_Umm, you are welcome Ikkaku-san." _

"_Ahh, I'll buy ya a drink sometime. Ya know, call it even?" _

_Izuru blushed. He was not really in the mood for drinking these days, even though liquor had brought him so much comfort before. After that last battle with Aizen and seeing Captain Ichimaru, Izuru didn't even have the energy to drink. He only wanted to curl up in a tight ball in the darkest corner of his room. But how could he refuse Ikkaku-san, especially after the man proved that he was actually quite a caring person? It didn't have too many genuinely caring people around anymore, Izuru cynically thought. _

_And that was exactly what he told Ikkaku two weeks later after he was being carried home from drinking. _

"_Che. You can't think like that Izuru. You planning on staying depressed and moping about how unfair the world is for the rest of your life?" Ikkaku said in his usual gruff tones as Izuru leaned heavily on him. _

"_Ah, but Ikkaku," Izuru slurred, just barely dragging his alcohol-soaked body, "you have a great friend in Aya-, Ayashe- Ayesh – Feather-brows!" he gave up trying to pronounce Yumichika's name; when drunk that name proved quite the tongue twister. _

_Ikkaku laughed out loud. _

"_I have trouble saying Yumi's name too when I'm drunk. You won't believe how angry he gets!" _

_The two Shinigami howled with laughter as they pictured Yumichika red with rage over the mispronunciation of his name. After they both hurt their sides laughing a comfortable silence settled between them, well until Izuru broke it with his slurred musings. _

"_You know, Ikkaku-shan, you're not sho bad after all. I think you get a bad rep shince you're in the Eleventh Division and you're all bloodthirsty, but you really are a nice guy." Izuru punctuated his sincere statement with a hiccup making Ikkaku laugh and quite possibly forget what Izuru said in the first place. Ikkaku shook his head as he laughed. _

"_I see you're one of those drunks; the ones that suddenly become reflective and feel the need to share their feelings and dish out compliments. You're really fun to drink with, Kira. I don't know who's worse between you and Yumichika, who suddenly gets touchy-feely when he's drunk and pulls out some of the cheesiest pick-up lines ever." _

"_But I'm sherious. Feather brows is real lucky to have you. I wish I was that lucky to have shomeone like you." _

_Ikkaku laughed out loud. _

"_I wish I had one of those recording things like they have in the Living World. This would be so funny to play for the boys in the morning!" Ikkaku threw back his head and laughed as he forcefully slapped Izuru on his back causing the already drunk man to stumble. "Wow Izuru. I think you just might be even more fun than Yumichika when you're drunk! 'I wish I had someone like you!' Good one. Ha Ha! Well goodnight, Izuru. It's been fun. Next time we should invite Yumichika and see who's a worse drunk."_

_But Ikkaku did not bring Yumichika the next time that he and Izuru went out for drinks. He had mumbled something about Yumichika having to wash his hair, but Izuru knew that the renowned most beautiful man in Seretei simply couldn't stand him at the moment and poor Ikkaku was left to make excuses for him. That was so nice of him, Izuru thought, that Ikkaku would lie just not to hurt his feelings. But Ikkaku insisted that he was not that nice of a person. _

"_Really, I don't know how Yumichika puts up with me." He laughed as he lifted the sake cup to his lips. _

"_No, I disagree, Ikkaku-san. You might be known as this tough, no bullshit kind of man in Seretei, but I think that you're just hiding your sweet side." _

"_I am not sweet!" Ikkaku shouted, but there was a faint blush that appeared on his face. It could have been from the sake, but Izuru chose to believe that it stemmed from the compliment. _

"_You show that you care for Ayasegawa-san's feelings, you showed that you care about my feelings by lying for him," The blush deepened on Ikkaku's face, "and you sat through all of my rants about him." _

_Izuru didn't have to clarify who 'him' was since he had just spent the last hour rinsing out Ikkaku's ears with how he felt about Gin's betrayal. _

"_I have a lot of patience through my experience of sitting through Yumichika going on and on about things I'm not that interested in, like tatami mats and calligraphy." _

_Izuru looked at Ikkaku who was trying his best to sound annoyed, but he saw the small smile that appeared on the man's lips as he reminisced about those times. Before he knew it a small and dangerous thought had entered his head – he wished that Ikkaku-san would smile like that when he thought of him. _

_It was just a small random thought that had entered his head that most likely would have just been fleeting if he was not seeing Ikkaku so often. Somehow, he found himself thinking about Ikkaku-san more and more. Izuru supposed that this was due to the novelty of finding out about Ikkaku-san's true nature. He liked the fact that he was getting to see another side of the brusque Third Seat. He liked that his assumptions were wrong about Ikkaku. He felt like he was being let in on a deep secret. Ikkaku-san was a bloodthirsty, battle-crazed brute, but he was also caring and considerate. Ayasegawa-san was a lucky man, Izuru thought. _

_But soon these thoughts morphed into something a little more dangerous. It was starting to get more and more difficult to view Ikkaku-san as just a caring friend that he could spill his deepest and darkest thoughts to over sake. After a while Izuru couldn't help but notice how Ikkaku would lick his lips after the fiery liquid reached his tongue, or how strong those hardened muscles felt when he would lean on Ikkaku after too much sake. There was no denying it anymore. He wanted Ikkaku-san. Actually, he more than wanted Ikkaku. He wanted what Ikkaku had with Ayasegawa. He wanted to have someone that he could come home to and share his day with. He wanted Ikkaku to talk about him affectionately the way he spoke about Ayasegawa. He wanted Ikkaku-san to love him like the way he loved Ayasegawa. _

_But he couldn't compete with Ayasegawa-san. For Ikkaku-san to choose him over Ayasegawa-san would be like trading down. Ayasegawa-san was confident. He walked with his head held high because he could actually back up all that talk about beauty. That's probably why he had no qualms with Ikkaku going out every other Friday night to drink with Kira. Izuru was harmless right? But these feelings were growing and multiplying; they could no longer be ignored. He didn't want to hurt Ayasegawa-san, but Izuru was going after what he wanted and what he wanted was Ikkaku. _

_Izuru tried to justify his decision. There was obviously some problem going on between Ikkaku-san and Ayasegawa-san, right? Why would someone let their significant other go out with another man? Was it that he just didn't care? _

"_Actually, Yumichika prefers to get drunk at home. He doesn't think that getting drunk in public is beautiful. This way when he gets wasted and touchy-feely he limits the possibility that he comes on to the no doubt ugly people in the room." Ikkaku explained after Izuru voiced his concern that Ayasegawa did not care about Ikkaku's third favourite pastime; the first being fighting and the second being sex (but it could be interchangeable)._

_Oh, Izuru dejectedly thought. Well, is it that Ayasegawa is so confident? Is he not scared that someone would come along and steal your heart?_

"_Ha! Who on Soul Society would want me? I'm not exactly the best looking." Ikkaku guffawed over the supposedly preposterous idea. _

"_Not to me." Izuru sheepishly admitted and nearly caused Ikkaku to choke on his sake. Ikkaku came up sopping wet and spluttering, "Umm...thanks, I guess."_

_Izuru took Ikkaku's obvious discomfort over the compliment to mean that he rarely got any compliments from Ayasegawa. He wouldn't have been surprised if the pretty boy spared no compliments since he gave all to himself. He wondered if Ayasegawa knew what he had. Did he take for granted the great warrior that was Ikkaku-san? Did he tell him that he had a body of a god? Did he let it be known that Ikkaku-san was just as beautiful? Or was Ayasegawa woefully ignorant of his treasured possession? _

_But Ikkaku was just as clueless. He no doubt had no idea of the feelings Izuru had for him. He had no idea that Izuru thought him beautiful. He did not know how much Izuru wanted to make him feel good. Ikkaku had no idea of how much Izuru wanted to kiss his neck, nibble on his lower lip and lick his chest among other places. No, he only knew of that ungrateful, conceited Fifth Seat and was completely ignorant of the man that would do anything to be with him. These emotions however, were beginning to get laborious to carry around. With his mind wandering to sexual thoughts every time Ikkaku-san's name was mentioned and the tug on his heart if Ikkaku-san cancelled their now usual every other Friday drinking session; Izuru knew that he had to confess. He had to know where he stood with Ikkaku. Ikkaku-san couldn't possibly be that dense. He had to know how Izuru felt. And if that was the case, he must have been encouraging the attention by continuing to see Izuru. That was encouragement, right? It had to be, Izuru thought desperately. _

"_Ikkaku-san," Izuru began one evening as he and Ikkaku walked home from their sake session, "there is something that I have to tell you." _

"_Che. Why do people always do that? Just tell me what you have to tell me, you don't have to give me an introduction first." Ikkaku said as he shook his head. Izuru was not deterred by Ikkaku's tone since he was by now accustomed to the signature rough tones that he used. There were times when the normally depressed and shy Izuru could display confidence and self-assurance. Though those times usually occurred during battle, he would have to summon the confidence now. Ikkaku was a man that was used to that and if Izuru wanted to win him over, he would have to let go of his insecurity and be confident and heartless (to Ayasegawa at least.) He took a deep breath and thanked God that it was dark enough to hide his blush. _

"_You're very right. In that case, I wish that you would see that I'm the better choice. I wish that you would come home with me and let me show you how I am the better choice." _

_The words stopped Ikkaku in his tracks. _

"_Wha..." was all the most intelligent reply that came to Ikkaku. _

"_I can see Ayasegawa-san has been careless with you. He obviously does not appreciate how great you are. I can love you better, Ikkaku. I can be the love that you really need. Spend some time with me; let me possess your heart."_

_Ikkaku turned his head to the side feeling uncomfortable with this outpouring of emotions. _

"_I could never leave Yumichika." _

"_You really would not leave someone as selfish and conceited as that?" Izuru asked, desperation shining in his eyes. _

"_Yumichika may be conceited, but he's not selfish. Everything that he does, he does for me. I think that you got a wrong impression of Yumichika. He has no problem with me hanging out with you because he knows that I would never disrespect him like that. And that's not arrogance, that's confidence and trust. Izuru, I'm sure that you're a great guy, but I already have great. In fact, I have the greatest."_

"_But what if you thought you had great, but you're actually missing out on greater?" Izuru boldly stated. _

_Ikkaku laughed. _

"_Ya know, you should be confident like this more often. That shy, unsure look does not suit you. You should be like this all the time." _

_Izuru blushed at the statement. _

"_Would it change your mind if I acted more confident?" _

"_Che. I already told you, I have enough confidence waiting for me at home."_

"_I cannot see why you would choose Ayasegawa-san over me. He's vain, conceited, materialistic and temperamental. You might was well be with a woman." _

"_Che. You think I don't know all of his faults? You think I'm the easiest guy to live with? I have accepted all of his faults and he readily and willingly accepts mine." Ikkaku sighed, "I think that you should stop this. If Yumichika knew what you were up to, he'd kill you." _

_The threat sounded real. There was no smirk on Ikkaku's face when he said it. Izuru looked at the man in front of him. Despite his words, all Izuru could think of was the fact that Ikkaku wholeheartedly believes in his love for Yumichika. Izuru yearned for that kind of loyalty and love. It was just too bad that it was wasted on the likes of Ayasegawa. Suddenly, Izuru realized something. A flicker of a memory came to him. It was something that Hisagi had drunkenly confided to him once about Ayasegawa's zanpakutō. Izuru wondered if Ikkaku's defensive loyalty would stay if he told him that the man that he so believes in is lying to him. Ayasegawa was not deserving of such loyalty and love. He did not appreciate the meaning like how Izuru did. He did not show his gratitude to Ikkaku like how Izuru could. Ikkaku-san needed to see that Izuru would love him better. _

"_Do you remember when Ichigo Kurosaki first came to Soul Society to rescue Rukia Kuchiki?" Izuru started off. _

"_Of course I remember. What ya gettin at?" _

"_A lot of truths were revealed then. Not just about Aizen and Captain Ichimaru, but also about Yumichika and his zanpakutō..." _

_*_

But whatever guilt Izuru was feeling about his interloping ways quickly vanished as Ikkaku thrust inside him and kissed him roughly on his shoulders and neck. He should feel guilty about the fact that he was in Ayasegawa's room, on his bed with his lover, but he didn't. All he felt was pleasure from Ikkaku with the love that he was proving to him in the nude and a vague sense of envy that Ayasegawa had this love all to himself for so long.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N**: hello everyone, thanks to all of you that reviewed and added me to your faves. It really inspires me to hear that you like where I'm going with this fic. I re-wrote this particular chapter about five times. It's considerably longer than my other chapters because I wanted to get Yumi's PoV, Ikkaku's PoV and a flashback in this chapter – it just wouldn't work separated into two chapters. So here it is. Hope that you enjoy it.

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Bleach.

* * *

"I think it's high time that you got outta here."

Yumichika turned his head slightly to the side long enough to give Hisagi a look that clearly read 'fuck you very much' before he turned his head again. Hisagi smirked as he ignored Yumichika's sullen attitude and strolled up to the edge of Yumichika's cot and planted himself on the bedside chair. Yumichika noticed his visitor's laidback stance and sighed.

"Oh, why you look so sad? You've been crying?" He said as he noticed Yumichika's red eyes.

"I'm probably just getting conjunctivitis." Yumichika replied in a bored and slightly defeated tone.

Hisagi laughed. He couldn't believe that Yumichika would rather call upon a hideously painful infection on his beautiful eyes than admit that he was crying.

"I'm guessing this is going to be a long visit?"

"I don't know why you never seem happy to see me."

"Hmmm. Lets' see; how about the last time I saw you I almost died and you made _no _moves to help me?" Yumichika said in his fakest, cheeriest voice possible.

"Grudge mudge?"

Yumichika sneered at him. Hisagi laughed, put his feet up on the edge of Yumichika's bed and rocked back on his chair as he ignored the blatant looks of disgust that he received from the Fifth Seat.

"I was only trying to help you."

"I'd hate to see you _not _help me." Yumichika grumbled.

"I was trying to help you see that you needed to apologize to Ikkaku, since we both know that you need him in your life."

"Why do you care?"

"I already told you," Hisagi started in a sober tone, "I inadvertently set some things in motion that have you in the predicament that you're in now."

"Okay, so you told someone about my zanpakutō. Who?"

No answer.

Yumichika turned to look at Hisagi, but the Lieutenant avoided his gaze. After a few moments Yumichika gave up and faced forward again before he spoke up.

"Well I guess it doesn't matter. I can't see how things could possibly get worse."

"It already has," Hisagi muttered but Yumichika heard him. Yumichika turned to look at Hisagi, but was again met with only a profile. Hisagi's eyes faced forward, studiously avoiding Yumichika's penetrating stare. What the hell is that supposed to mean, Yumichika wondered, but soon realized that Hisagi was not about to divulge the meaning of his cryptic comment.

"So what happened between you and Ikkaku?"

Yumichika sighed as he realized that he was not going to get rid of Hisagi very soon. He stared out the window and looked at the beautiful morning sky and shut his eyes tightly as he wished that by the time he opened them again Hisagi would be gone. He opened his eyes. Hisagi was still there staring at him with an expression that read, 'well are you gonna answer me or not?' Yumichika scoffed. How unbeautiful that he could not brood in peace. It was so ugly to have to spend the morning being harassed by this sadist.

"It wasn't really a fight of importance," Yumichika started in a defeated tone, "he said potato, I said potahto. He said tomato, I said fuck you. That was the gist of it really."

Hisagi burst out laughing.

"Have I ever told you that you have a wicked sense of humour? And I had no idea that you had such a dirty mouth."

"Every time I see you obscenities do come to mind." Yumichika replied in a dry undertone that made Hisagi stop laughing immediately, and that made Yumichika smirk.

"Wow. You seem really angry."

"You think?"

Hisagi took his legs down from the cot and much to Yumichika's annoyance pulled up his chair so that he was even closer to the Fifth Seat. Yumichika unknowingly recoiled a bit. Then in a deathly serious tone, Hisagi spoke up,

"Let me tell you something. I'm going to help you understand something. You're wrong! You're fucking wrong! You're wrong and Ikkaku's wrong, so this game that the two of you are playing where you're trying to see who's more vex than the other is senseless. Because you're both WRONG! So stop being so angry; wipe that self-righteous look off your face, put your tail between your legs and just fucking apologize!"

Yumichika was flabbergasted. Hisagi took this as an opportunity to continue.

"You're letting your pride get in the way and for what? So that you wouldn't have to admit that you're wrong? Because let me tell you – you are WRONG! You lied to someone for years."

Yumichika opened his mouth to interject, but Hisagi quickly shushed him. Needless to say, Yumichika was utterly stunned.

"Yes, I know, Ikkaku broke his promise. The whole of the Fourth Division and most likely all of Seretei heard the quarrel between you two last night." Hisagi ignored the look of horror that came into Yumichika's eyes and continued, "So, I know all about the fact that he said he would never leave you, but he did. But Yumichika, if you keep up this angry-pride-shit you're going to lose Ikkaku. And trust me when I say that pride isn't the only thing that's fighting to come between the two of you. You need to get up out of here and head home. You need to apologize. Ikkaku needs to apologize too. Both of you need to stop being such asses."

After his speech Hisagi rocked back on his chair to watch his words sink into Yumichika. Hisagi watched as Yumichika's expression melted from absolute shock to slight confusion to a look that he knew all too well – the inaccessible haughty look of annoyance.

"For the life of me I can't see why you care so much." Yumichika calmly stated.

"What?"

"I'm saying that I don't understand why any of this should really concern you. I get it. You feel bad about telling my secret to whoever you told it to, but you seem to go out of your way to want to help me. And to be honest, I can't see why you would do that, especially since I have been less than nice to you."

"Because I care." Hisagi answered. He was getting tired of having to explain himself.

"Why?"

"Because I just do!"

"But why?"

"Because I care about you and I want to see you happy!"

Hisagi only realized what he had said after he noticed the smug, flattered look on Yumichika's face.

"But why?" Yumichika said again and Hisagi sprung from his chair in an attempt to throttle the beautiful man. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I was only joking." Yumichika hastily said and broke into peals of laughter.

"You are one vain bastard, you know that?" Hisagi continued, but Yumichika only laughed more. "You just need to know that another person is in love with you and you're in good spirits again."

Yumichika's eyes bulged in surprise and Hisagi wanted to slap himself for letting out just how much he cared for Yumichika.

"You're in love with me?" Yumichika asked; his eyes wide with surprise, but probably not as surprised as Hisagi was at his own confession. His face blushed crimson as he searched for a way to back pedal out of the conversation. But Yumichika was not about to let him go so easily, especially not after the stunt Hisagi pulled on him when his body was failing him. Yumichika was going to milk this like a cow.

"It's understandable really. I mean when I think about it, all the signs are there."

"Shut up." Hisagi murmured, but his pleas were ignored.

"I mean, look at the situation. There aren't a lot of beautiful people in Seretei, so it's understandable that you would fall for someone as beautiful as myself."

"Shut up."

Again, he was ignored.

"I mean you have people like Kira to look at. Vinegar would look at him and turn sour. And Abarai is too stupid to mention. So, I can obviously understand how enraptured you became – "

"Would you shut the hell up?!"

Yumichika burst into peals of laughter again.

"I have no idea how Ikkaku put up with you. You don't even listen." Hisagi muttered as he sat back down in his chair and purposely avoided Yumichika's giggling form. But he couldn't ignore the serious tone that Yumichika spoke in after a while.

"Contrary to what you might think, I do listen. I listen very well. You have mentioned the word 'wrong' seven times, so I'm guessing that you're probably feeling seven times as wrong about how you sold out my secret." Hisagi stared at him in wonder and Yumichika took this opportunity to lock his eyes with Hisagi. "I also realized that the person that you told my secret to is Izuru Kira."

Under the penetrating gaze of Yumichika's intensely beautiful lavender eyes, Hisagi seemed unable to deny the fact, yet he had the strong urge not to confess. So it was with all his will power that he broke Yumichika's gaze.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Hmm. Of course you don't. But Kira is the likely suspect since he is your best friend and most recently seems to want to be Ikkaku's. So I wouldn't be surprised if he did tell Ikkaku about my zanpakutō."

Hisagi scoffed.

"Beauty and brains, huh?"

Yumichika smiled at the compliment, but refrained from commenting on it, since he could see Hisagi groaning over letting another compliment slip from him.

"What I can't seem to understand is your fear?"

"Huh?"

"When I said earlier that I couldn't see how things could possibly get any worse between Ikkaku and me, you cryptically replied that it already has. Plus, you said that pride is not the only thing that is fighting to come between Ikkaku and I."

Hisagi couldn't help but be amazed that Yumichika could quote him verbatim, especially when most of the time Yumichika looked like he was not really paying him much attention.

"I told you that I listen." Yumichika said and flicked his hair for added measure, "It's one of my many beautiful skills. Anyway, what are you trying to imply by those words, Hisagi-san?"

Hisagi shifted uncomfortably in his seat, wishing that he had left about three minutes ago.

"Do you trust Ikkaku?"

"Without a doubt." Yumichika answered immediately and it broke Hisagi to hear Yumichika's loyalty. He wondered how Yumichika would feel if he saw what he saw last night. Would Yumichika still be as loyal and trusting if he knew that Izuru had entered Ikkaku's and Yumichika's room last night and when the sun came up, he still had not left?

Hisagi considered Yumichika and for a brief moment he understood Izuru's desperation. For a moment he yearned for that love that Yumichika gave to Ikkaku. He wished that he could trust someone like that again. Yumichika was confident, beautiful, proud, smart, funny and a skilled Shinigami. Hisagi stared into those lavender eyes and he wished that he could have what Ikkaku has. A strong desire to kiss the Fifth Seat burned like a fever within him. It was only for a moment that the thought entered his mind and spilled over into his eyes, but Yumichika saw Hisagi's lust and responded.

"I would never disrespect Ikkaku like that."

Oh how it broke Hisagi's heart to hear such loyalty that he knew was not being returned. He got up to leave, but paused at the door.

"Hisagi-san, is there something that I should know about Lieutenant Kira?"

Hisagi considered the question that left him in a difficult position.

"He's not like me. He wouldn't make the decisions I would." Hisagi cryptically responded.

"Well then I like him already." Yumichika quipped.

"You should go home to Ikkaku, Fifth Seat Ayasegawa-san."

After Hisagi left, Yumichika crawled off the bed to get dressed as he pushed aside the thoughts of doubt that Hisagi had planted into his mind. He was going to swallow his pride and apologize, even if it took all the seas to wash it down.

* * *

Morning came and brought with it clarity. Ikkaku did not feel like doing his lucky dance. Instead, he sat on one of the tatami mats with his back braced against the wall, his knees up and apart with his hands drooping over them as he watched Izuru sleep. The room still smelled of Yumichika, but now there was also the slightly overpowering scent of Izuru that was making Ikkaku feel a bit nauseous. Or it could be the massive hangover headache that he now had. Suddenly Izuru stirred and Ikkaku watched him shift on Yumichika's side of the futon, feel about for Ikkaku then turn to realize that Ikkaku was sitting at the far end of the wall. He sat up blearily to face Ikkaku. Ikkaku did not turn away his eyes from the blond that was wearing nothing at all under the sheets. They had no shame between them now.

"Good morning, Ikkaku-san. How are you?"

Ikkaku did not answer Izuru as he hoped that that was a rhetorical question. He clearly looked like how he felt, which was like shit. He had bathed and was already dressed in his Shinigami robes, but still he felt like he was dirtier than dirt itself.

"Ya know, Izuru," Ikkaku started off slowly, his voice in not the usual gruff tones, but softer. Izuru noticed it immediately. "I've known Yumichika for more than two hundred years now. And I've been...involved with him for more than half that time."

Izuru said nothing. He got the feeling that he was not required to comment. Ikkaku continued.

"This room..." Ikkaku cast a glance upwards at the room, but soon closed his eyes as if getting lost in a memory, "...made me fall for Yumichika. We had just made Third and Fifth Seat respectively. I never had any feelings towards Yumi other than I saw him as a friend and even if I did, I would have never acknowledge those feelings. But this room helped me realize something that I didn't even know I was feeling."

*

_Being made a seated officer meant paperwork. It seemed to Ikkaku and Yumichika that the Captain had been purposely holding back on all the paperwork that he was supposed to ever do so that Ikkaku and Yumichika would have something to welcome them into their new positions. Whenever paperwork came to the Eleventh Division the large, broad-shouldered Captain of the Eleventh Division would suddenly become invisible and impossible to find, taking his Lieutenant with him, thus leaving the piling high stack of bureaucratic duties for his favourite Seated Officers. In addition, Ikkaku and Yumichika still had to carry out their duties of patrol, training themselves as well as subordinates, cut down the occasional Hollow or two and hunt down rogue Eleventh Division members (who always got more licks than was necessary because they added to the already stressed workload of Ikkaku and Yumichika). The result was that by the time their first month was over, Ikkaku and Yumichika felt drained and was seriously beginning to questioning why they became Seated Officers after all. Well nothing spoke 'relieve work stress' like a good bottle of sake, according to Ikkaku anyway, so after a particularly stressful day he made his way to Yumichika's room so the two could gripe together. They had yet to become accustomed to their increased workload and as such had spent the last month going home early to sleep and hardly spending any time with each other, other than what directly brought them together due to their Shinigami duties. When he arrived however, he found that Yumichika had already started the groaning session without him and was sitting in the dark looking like the world had just ended. _

"_The hell's wrong with you?" Ikkaku gruffly asked as he moved around the room to try to put on some lamps. _

"_Don't!" Yumichika screamed at him like he was some light-hating vampire-bat, and Ikkaku let him know that was exactly what he thought of him. _

"_Don't ever call me something so ugly again or so help me God I will break in your face." Yumi ground out making Ikkaku smirk. _

"_Ah. That's the Yumichika I know. Now why are you sitting here moping around all by yourself in the dark? If ya gonna mope you should at least be drinkin'!" _

"_Oh Ikkaku, can't you see the travesty that has befallen me?" Yumichika moaned. He sounded like he just found out that his mother died – absolute sorrow dripped from his voice. Ikkaku instantly came to stoop in front of him, concern written all over his face. _

"_Yumi, what's the matter?" Ikkaku asked, his voice softer, his brain wondering what on Soul Society could have his best friend so utterly grief stricken. _

"_Oh Ikkaku, it's horrible; absolutely depressing. I don't even want to speak about it." _

"_Yumichika," Ikkaku said tilting the man's head up so that he could look him in the eyes – eyes that looked so forlorn that Ikkaku would give anything to see them shine again, "what's going on?"_

_Yumichika sighed a deep, heavy sigh that seemed to come all the way from his toes and dragged out all his hurt. _

"_This room is so ugly. It's depressing and draining all my energy. I can't bear to look at it, much less live in it." _

_Ikkaku stared at Yumichika for several moments to ensure that Yumichika was not using some sort of metaphor. But judging by the fact that Yumichika refused to open his eyes to look at the walls that had recently become his home as a result of the promotion, Ikkaku concluded that the room in fact was making Yumichika depressed. Ikkaku sweatdropped. _

"_Are you for real?!" Ikkaku bellowed, "Man, you had me worried that yer gonna tell me Unohana said that you have some terminal disease or something! Che. You are so irritating!" Ikkaku growled and stormed towards the back screen door, flung it open and plopped himself down on the veranda as he continued to mutter words like "insufferable", "absolute pain" and "I was so worried." _

_Yumichika was stunned. He knew that Ikkaku's outburst was the man's way of saying that he was genuinely worried about him and a small blush appeared on his face at the thought. He quickly got up to head over to Ikkaku to offer an apology. At least, an apology was his intention. However, it came out a bit differently. _

"_I can't see why you're upset with me! You should know the things that really matter to me. I am insulted that you would dismiss what I care about just like that!" _

_So much for the apology. What did they say about good intentions?_

_Ikkaku turned to look at him; disbelief at Yumichika etched onto his face. _

"_Che," Ikkaku stated as he got up, "I'm not in the mood for this shit. I'm going home." _

_Yumichika watched in shock as Ikkaku stepped into the backyard and jumped the low wall that separated their rooms and couldn't help but think that Ikkaku's stormy walk out would have been a lot more dramatic if he was not just going next door. He heard Ikkaku's screen door shut. He thought about getting up to actually apologize this time, but he just sat back down and continued to feel sorry for himself. _

_The next evening Yumichika came into his drab room with the intention of bathing and then going straight to bed so that he would not have to deal with looking at the ugly room. But as soon as he stepped inside, he tripped on a tin of paint. He looked up to see Ikkaku sitting on the back veranda. _

"_I see you found my solution to your problem." Ikkaku said with a huge smirk on his face. _

_Yumichika, with as much grace as one could after falling on your face, picked himself up together with the paint and walked over to Ikkaku. _

"_I'm not even going to quarrel because I know you just wanted revenge over last night. I'm not going to give you the ugly satisfaction of getting me all riled up." Yumichika said, with his head held high. _

"_But ya look good when ya all riled up."_

_There was a beat where no one really knew what to say._

_After a while, Ikkaku cleared his throat, not so much as to clear phlegm, but more so the burning blush that spread across his face from his where-the-hell-did-that-come-from moment. _

"_So the paint – " Yumichika started in an attempt to get around the awkwardness._

"_Yes, umm," Ikkaku hastily grabbed, "I brought this for ya. Ya know, so you could paint ya room and stop looking like the walking dead." _

_He received a cuff to the arm for making such an ugly reference to Yumichika, but he gladly accepted it; anything to get away from that Freudian slip he had earlier. Yumichika, eyes wide with excitement, carefully opened the tin to reveal the colour. Ikkaku watched his friend's face fall flat like a pancake. _

"_What's the matter?" _

_Yumichika tried to hide his disappointment, but failed miserably. _

"_Sea Foam Green?" _

"_Yeah! What's wrong with it?" _

"_Nothing, nothing." Yumi replied quickly and plastered on a huge grin, "I love it. Thanks for the gift. It is thoroughly appreciated." _

_Ikkaku chuckled. _

"_You honestly think that you could lie to me?" Ikkaku saw Yumichika turn his head to the side, obviously he had no idea of the irony of his words, "I know you don't like the colour. It's okay. I'm not upset. But the point I'm trying to make is that I'm willing to help you make the room into something you would like." _

_Yumichika turned to look at Ikkaku, his eyes paralyzing him with their beauty and emotions. God! How Ikkaku hated when he did that. He always felt like Yumichika could see into his thoughts when he looked at him like that and right now that was the last thing that Ikkaku wanted, seeing as how all he could inexplicably think of was how beautiful Yumichika's eyes were. He forced himself to look away. _

"_You would do that for me?" Yumichika asked, positively wibbling at the thought. _

"_Che. Yeah. It's no problem as long as you keep your depressing funk away from me." _

_Yumichika beamed. _

"_You're right. Depression is so ugly and does not befit someone as beautiful as me." _

_And so Operation Make Yumichika Happy by Making Over His Room had started. It was an unnecessary addition to their already hectic workload, but neither complained and actually came to look forward to spending time throwing around ideas and secretly running away from work to go shop for materials in the Rukongai. At first however, the project threatened to fail before it even got started as the two men's varied opinions on what should be done with the room caused them to nearly come to blows. But after much arguing, they soon came to realize that Yumichika's strength lay in designing and Ikkaku's in execution. The project led them to an appreciation of each other that they did not even know they had. _

"_Yumichika," Ikkaku called one evening. As he stepped into Yumichika's room he momentarily forgot his purpose as he saw Yumi, who was standing in the middle of the room over a rather large piece of parchment and holding up a just as ridiculously large brush and was dressed in a beautiful vine green kimono. But it was the combination of all those factors that caused Ikkaku to pause. Yumichika was doing calligraphy. His body, his hands, his face, his movements all exuded grace and strength. It was just like how he fought- with control and beauty. His face was filled with concentration; his muscles could be seen rippling from the focus and power it took to control the brush. Ikkaku couldn't believe what was happening to him. He was instantly aroused. The realization caused him to panic and he ran back outside to collect himself and clear his mind of such inappropriately sexual thoughts about his friend. _

"_Ikkaku is that you?" Yumichika's voice rang from inside. _

_Ikkaku took a deep breath and proceeded to head back inside. _

"_What are you doing?" Yumichika asked. _

"_I umm...I just came to tell you that I got the lumber, so I could work on the wooden valances today." _

"_I can see that. But why are you walking with the wood in front of your eyes?" _

_Sure enough Ikkaku had walked back into the room holding up two planks of wood in front of his face in a weak attempt to block the image of Yumichika from his sight. Ikkaku really didn't have an answer to give Yumichika, at least not an answer that did not involve lying. Yumichika walked over to Ikkaku and took over one plank as he continued to the back veranda. _

"_Watch yourself. Don't step on my calligraphy. I'm hanging it on the wall above the futon as soon as the room is done." Yumichika called after him. _

_Yumichika need not worry about that because Ikkaku was making it his business to stay away from all calligraphy related things from now on. _

"_Would you like me to help you?" Yumichika inquired as soon as Ikkaku set down the pieces of wood in the back yard. But Ikkaku just shook his head in a slightly annoyed way. He couldn't even look at Yumichika now. All he wanted was to get lost in the soothing simplicity of cutting and sanding wood. He sat down on the grass and began the painstakingly slow process of sanding the Maple and Mahogany wood. He wanted to get lost in the dull, repetitive motions, but his mind would not let him. Something strange was happening to him. As far as Ikkaku knew, he liked girls, yet here was an impossible to ignore desire for his male best friend. And despite the fact that he knew Yumichika for years he still was unsure about his friend's sexual preference. Was it girls, guys, gigais? He had no idea. This was so strange. In all the years that he had known Yumichika, Ikkaku had never had any sexual thoughts about his friend. Yes, he admitted that Yumichika was gorgeous – no one with sight could deny that fact. But these feelings were novel. It was more than just sexual lust; there was something more, something deeper. Why were they occurring now? Ikkaku did not know the answer to that question and he wasn't really sure he wanted an answer. He looked up to see Yumichika had prepared tea for him and left it on the veranda. Che, Ikkaku thought, Yumi always knew when he needed to be alone. _

_For the next few days Ikkaku tried his best not to focus on his sudden, growing attraction to Yumichika and only concentrate on their project. He did whatever carpentry work that was necessary which included, constructing and hanging the two wooden valances with the circle cut-outs above the side walls and breaking down and reconstructing the entire back wall so that the entire wall would now be paper panels that would subtly let in the light from the back yard. It was hard work, but it was fun and he especially loved seeing Yumichika's face light up with excitement as his new room came to life. At the end of two weeks Yumichika kicked out Ikkaku in order to "put the room together", a task that managed to take the entire day. When he finally entered, Ikkaku was blown away. _

"_You like it huh? Isn't it beautiful? We did this." Yumichika fawned, his eyes dreamy at the splendour of his own room. The room itself was clean and elegant, just like Yumichika. The carpentry that Ikkaku had done gave the room more depth as well as brightened up the space. Beautiful dogwood flowers, golden rods and lilies were situated in elegantly crafted ceramic vases at strategic points along the room. But the focal point was Yumichika's massive scroll of calligraphy that hung above the futon. The script was of course the word 'beautiful' written in Kanji. And indeed, the artwork was beautiful, just like the artist. _

"_I'm really glad that you suggested this project, Ikkaku." Yumichika started they sat on tatami mats and admired the room while sipping sake. _

"_Che. It was nothing." _

"_I had a lot of fun with the project."_

"_I know you did. This is right up your alley." Ikkaku said with a small smirk on his face. _

"_But I'm not sure that you had fun," Yumichika said in a tone barely above a whisper, "I'm sorry if I made things difficult for you." _

_Ikkaku was stunned. Yumichika was apologizing. Of course Yumichika was apologizing that something he actually did not do, Ikkaku thought cynically. _

"_Che. You never apologize for the times when you actually do fuck up, but yer apologizing now when ya didn't do anything wrong. Man, you're something else." _

"_So, you really did like helping me?" _

"_Yeah I did. I've just had a lot of things on my mind lately. But I really did like doing the project with you. I had no idea that we could work together so well." _

_That was when it suddenly hit him. He and Yumichika were good together. It was a revelation that Ikkaku's heart had already figured out, but his brain had only just caught up. It took his brain almost a hundred years to realize that he was in love with Yumichika Ayasegawa. And now his brain was making up for lost time by sending messages to his mouth to act on its own accord, for Ikkaku said:_

"_I think that this project acted as a catalyst to help me realize something." _

_It was like his brain had run a coup d'état. Ikkaku was no longer in control. His brain was taking messages from his heart and try as he might to stop himself, the words kept tumbling out. _

"_Realize what?" Yumichika asked and pierced him with his eyes. Oh Kami no. Don't do that, Ikkaku screamed from his mental prison. Those eyes only served to hasten the revolt of his heart. _

"_I've realized that we could be good together. We're good as friends, but we could be even better at something more." _

_Now that his brain and heart had successfully completed their siege of his tongue, Ikkaku was allowed control once more. He was left to sit in wretched anticipation of Yumichika's reply. Yumichika expression was not quite readable. He wore only a slight smirk on his face as he brought the sake to his lips. _

"_Well Ikkaku, I'm glad that you finally realized something that I've known and accepted for quite some time now. You really are slow, you know that." _

_Ikkaku experienced a strange mix of feelings then. It was joy mixed with fear, judging by the plunge his stomach made to his feet. This was so new. But also, he was feeling annoyed at Yumichika's remark about him being slow, so Ikkaku fell back onto his familiar territory and raised his hand to smack Yumichika for his rude, disrespectful tongue. But Yumi caught Ikkaku's hand and brought him in for a kiss. It was a kiss that was different, but Ikkaku knew it felt right. Yeah, he thought, they could be good together. Che, they were already great together._

_*_

Realization dawned on Izuru and it hurt badly. Despite his best efforts he was in the same predicament as he usually found himself in – unrequited love. Ikkaku's story was there to tell him not how nice of a lover he could be, but rather, how nice of a lover he could be to Yumichika and nothing could change that. One night meant nothing. It hurt so badly and Izuru ached for something like that, but he knew that he was not going to get it from Ikkaku.

Ikkaku saw Izuru get up to go the bathroom and was grateful that he did not have to spell it out for the Lieutenant. Last night was the furthest that Izuru would ever reach.

Izuru came back out a while later to find Ikkaku in the back yard standing over a burning futon. It took him a couple of seconds to realize that that was the futon from inside that held all the memories and evidence of the night that he spent with Ikkaku.

"What are you going to do now, Ikkaku-san?"

"I gotta go shop for a new futon." Ikkaku answered casually, but he never removed his eyes from the flames.

"No, I meant about Yumichika."

"Che. I'm going to put my tail between my legs and hope that he takes me back." Again, he did not raise his head from the flames.

The guilt settled on Izuru like snow, seeping into his clothes and skin and chilling him to the bone. But if it was just guilt he might have been able to handle it. He was instead hit with a deep sense of failure and not only his own failure, though that did resound in his mind and heart. But the failure of a great relationship weighed heavy on him and pulled him down. Izuru had loved and lost and as much as he hated the fact that Ikkaku did not want him, he would never wish upon him the agony of heartbreak. He looked at Ikkaku who stared at his mistakes burning brightly in the fire and Izuru Kira wished that he could save the man from such heartache. He was used to carrying around such a heavy, agonizing burden of lost love, and he wanted to save Ikkaku from that. But he knew it was too late and it had been all his fault. He did not save Ikkaku from heartache. He instead, put him right in the line of it. The guilt finally got to him and it burned him like it burned the flaming futon.

* * *

**A/N**: I was watching HGTV when the idea for the flashback of how Yumichika and Ikkaku became more than just friends came to mind. Yeah, apparently designing brings out my fluffy side. LOL.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N**: Hello everyone. Here it is! The final chapter. I want to thank all of those people that reviewed. You really motivated me in my time of need – this chapter was the most difficult to write (it gave me migraines ) I hope that you like it.

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Bleach

* * *

It was lunch time and Ikkaku was tired and hungry. He had spent the earlier parts of the morning searching the Rukongai for a futon similar to the one that Yumichika had, and then returned to the Division where he couldn't help but notice that everyone gave him a wide berth. Everywhere he went rumours followed him. All of the Eleventh Division was abuzz with the scandalous details of his fight with Yumichika that were making the rounds via the brave gossip mongers. Being the private person that he was, Ikkaku found it necessary to shut them up about the talks of 'The Third Seat is love sick over a man' and 'The Fifth Seat is a weak pansy fainting over heartbreak from Ikkaku-san'. He did it the only way he knew how – by beating them into submission. By noon that day, Ikkaku was tired, but at least he was not going to hear anything from those Eleventh Division members anymore, since most of them would be out of commission for a few months and in serious need of dental surgery. But despite the fact that the rumour mill had stopped turning (at least in his presence) Ikkaku still did not feel like being around people, yet he was not in the mood to go back to his room, where the mistakes of his previous night with Izuru loomed large. He weighed his options. Stay in the canteen and ignore the stares that he got or go home and relive every moment of his errant ways. Che. Enough sake would dull his memories, but not his sight. He decided to go home for lunch and took a bottle of sake with him.

The bottle of sake was doing its job of dulling his memory of Izuru, but did a piss poor job of dulling his memory all together. Ikkaku kept drudging up long forgotten memories.

*

_After their initial kiss it took Ikkaku and Yumichika almost two years again before they moved onto anything further than that. It frustrated Ikkaku to no end to know that he was lying in bed with the most beautiful person in Seretei and all he got for it was a nice, warm hug. But he didn't complain and in some ways it helped him as he soon channelled all of that pent up frustration into his battles and thus, quickly made a name for himself as a ruthless force to be reckoned with in the Eleventh Division. No, he wouldn't have dared complain or try to force Yumichika into something that he was not ready for. He and Yumichika shared a lot about themselves, but Ikkaku soon realized that there were certain aspects of Yumi's life that were out of boundaries and simply not discussed. If Ikkaku ever brought it up, Yumichika would simply use his powerful talents of misdirection with the result being that most of their conversations on Yumichika's past went something like this: _

"_Exactly what did you do before I ran into you in the Rukongai?" _

"_I didn't have quite an active life like you, Ikkaku. I mean, just look at the battle scars you bear. How did you get that half-moon shaped one on the back of your neck?" _

"_Heh. Well actually, that was a pretty tough battle between me and these three thugs..." And away he would go. Poor Ikkaku usually didn't realize what happened until the next time he tried to take their relationship further and was stopped in his tracks. But one night he came to understand a part of the problem. It was only a small, brief insight into the problem, but it was better than nothing. _

_Ikkaku heavily lay down on the futon, his body aching from his last mission. He sank into the soft mattress that enveloped his body and felt his body relax. He loved Yumichika's futon – nothing was softer, except maybe Yumi's hair. It was the best bed for sleeping (especially since he didn't do much of anything else in it!), but that was not a complaint. He would never complain about their sexual (or rather lack of sexual) activity since Ikkaku would much rather be in a chaste relationship with Yumichika by choice, than be in no relationship with Yumichika and be celibate by force. _

"_You were gone for an entire week while you chased that rogue in the Rukongai. Did you miss me?" Yumichika asked as he sat next to Ikkaku on the futon. _

"_What's there to miss?" Ikkaku said with a mischievous smirk as he closed his eyes. _

"_This." And Yumichika bent down to kiss him. The soft, gentle touch of his lips set Ikkaku on fire. He grabbed Yumichika behind the neck and pulled him in closer, begging admittance to more kisses like that as his tongue brushed past his lips. Yumichika humoured him for a while, letting Ikkaku run his hands through his hair and letting his hands roam freely. Ikkaku hardened and further pulled Yumichika into him to feel his need, but the gesture seemed to put Yumichika off, for he gave Ikkaku a soft tap on his shoulder and pulled away. _

_Ikkaku groaned. _

"_Yumichika, why do you tease me so?!" Ikkaku ground out. _

"_I don't do it on purpose Ikkaku!" Yumichika screamed at him and turned his back to Ikkaku. _

_There was an awkward silence that erupted between them. Ikkaku felt frustrated; not so much because of the lack of sex, but more so because something was bothering Yumichika and he refused to share what the problem was. _

"_Listen, if you want it so badly you can just do what you usually did when we were in the Rukongai. You can go visit those whore houses that you liked so much and be with a different person every night." Yumichika said after a while. It was supposed to be a scathing remark, but Yumi's voice sounded too defeated for it to have much bite. _

_The comment momentarily stunned Ikkaku. Yumichika did not trust him and was only waiting for him to slip up and hurt him. A brief indignant anger rose up inside of him, but soon fell into an overwhelmed sense of understanding. _

"_Che. Ya know, you would think by now that you would realize that I'm not with you for the sex. I'm not getting anything and I'm still with ya! If you don't want to do anything, fine by me. But don't think that I'm gonna go looking for it someplace else. You can trust me on that one. I'll never disrespect ya like that."_

_Yumichika chose not to respond, but his actions let Ikkaku know that he was considering Ikkaku's words as the truth. He turned around to rest his head on Ikkaku's chest. Ikkaku put his arms around Yumi and pretended to not notice Yumichika's tears. Ikkaku would wait. He would prove to Yumichika that he could be trusted. _

_ *_

Ikkaku sighed. It took him two years to prove his trust to Yumichika, yet that trust was not returned. Yumichika was lying to him about his zanpakutō during all that time. Yet in the space of three weeks Ikkaku kept breaking promises like they were plates at a Greek wedding. Who was wrong and who was more wrong? Maybe he should brace Captain Mayuri for some sort of drug that could dim his memories. Ikkaku paused. Did he just consider asking help from that freak?

What the fuck?!

"I am never drinking again!" He stated as he threw the sake bottle into the bin.

"Well that's good to hear."

Ikkaku jumped up from his seat on the tatami mat to see Yumichika standing near the door.

Ikkaku knew that he should be feeling happy that Yumichika was back, but instead all he felt was a sickening sense of anxiety. Yumichika of course looked like his usual stunning self, but Ikkaku could see that his lover was still not well. He was braced against the door frame trying to master his breathing as surreptitiously as possible His eyes were a bit red, puffy and dark but Ikkaku knew better than to bring that up, unless he wanted to receive a severe kick to the groin. Instead he tried to act as casual as possible.

"You wanna go sit outside?"

Yumichika instantly picked up on Ikkaku's casual tone. It was the way they usually dealt with all of their arguments. They might not speak to each other for days, but after a casual start of conversation they would slip in an apology and all would be right with the world again. Yumichika wanted so badly for everything to be right again, so he too tried his best to be his usual self.

"Aren't you afraid that the sun will reflect off your head and create a glare so strong that it will burn like a laser and take the garden down in flames?"

Ikkaku turned to look at Yumichika who was wearing the largest, most devious smirk that Ikkaku couldn't help but smirk too.

"If I'm lucky, it'll hit you instead." Ikkaku retorted.

"Well you're usually quite lucky, so I better watch out."

The awkwardness in the room went down several degrees as the two men realized just how much they missed each other during the past few weeks. Ikkaku moved forward to close the distance between him and Yumichika. But the closer he came to the beautiful man's face, the stronger the guilt in him returned and even though he was now close enough to feel Yumichika's breath on his face, Ikkaku couldn't bear to look him in the eyes, as he wondered whether Yumichika noticed that there was a third scent in the room – a scent that belonged to neither of them. Instead he just turned and headed toward the back veranda and tried to ignore the burgeoning guilt that developed when he noticed the weak steps that Yumichika took to follow him.

Yumichika took his seat next to Ikkaku on the veranda and couldn't help but observe that the awkwardness level had returned, despite his best efforts to make things as casual as possible. It was there for a brief moment and disappeared suddenly. He sighed and remembered Hisagi's words. He needed to apologize. He was wrong. He needed Ikkaku.

"Ikkaku..." Yumichika said after a while. He was never good at apologizing and this moment filled with its discomfiture and high emotions reminded him why. But he cleared his throat and continued forward. "I've been speaking to Hisagi-san a lot recently, or rather he's been speaking to me because if it were up to me, I would not be speaking to him. I don't care what he says about being in love with me, he is one sadistic bastard and I know that he just enjoys making my life a living hell." Yumichika let out a huge sigh. "Anyway, I digress."

Ikkaku stiffened. Did Hisagi already know what happened between him and Izuru? Did he tell Yumichika? And what was that about him being in love with Yumichika? He looked at where Yumichika's hands were. They were resting comfortably on his lap, but Ikkaku knew he had to keep a close eye on that. He had to be ready for when Yumichika would strike him down in one blow. But in the meanwhile, he would try to act calmly.

"Mmhmm," Ikkaku responded, prompting Yumichika to continue.

"Yes, well he let me know in no uncertain terms that I was wrong for letting my pride get in the way of us. I think he called us asses. Yes, he's not the most eloquent, but I must admit that he was right. Not about the ass part, but about me letting my pride get in the way. He's the ass if you ask me, and I know that nobody did, but I'm telling you anyway. Hisagi is a fool. A smart fool, but a fool nonetheless."

Ikkaku sweatdropped.

"What the hell are you talking about?!" Ikkaku shouted as his patience thinned. It was obvious that Yumichika did not know about what happened last night. Right?

Yumichika sighed.

"I was the one that was hospitalized, yet you're the one having trouble following a basic sentence." Yumi smirked, as he gave Ikkaku a sideways glance. Ikkaku opened his mouth to retort something nasty, but refrained.

"What? You think that I'm the only one that looks good all riled up?" Yumichika responded coyly making Ikkaku blush. But then the guilt settled on him again. Once he let Yumi know what happened between him and Izuru, Yumichika would never look at him, much less touch him again. But then again, that would be the least of his problems after Yumichika killed him, Ikkaku cynically thought.

The mood again changed from light to heavy as Yumichika noticed the worried and pained look on Ikkaku's face. He wondered if Ikkaku was thinking what he was thinking. Could their relationship survive after something like this? Yumichika didn't know, but he had to try.

"Ikkaku, we have known each other for too many years to count. I respect you," Ikkaku's stomach flopped at the unconscious guilt trip Yumichika was sending him on, "and I respect the Eleventh Division. You and this Division mean everything to me. I know that I should have trusted you enough to tell you the true nature of my zanpakutō and I'm sorry that I did not, especially since you have proven to me that I can trust you completely,"

Nah! He had to be doing this on purpose, Ikkaku screamed in his mind. He _must_ know what happened and he was using his mind fuck games again. Right? Right? Ikkaku was never more confused as to what was going on in Yumichika's mind.

"Ikkaku, everything that I do is for you. I wanted to tell you, but I knew how you felt about zanpakutō that are not direct attacks. I was afraid that I would lose you. Do you have any idea what it feels like to have that fear that you would lose the only person that ever mattered to you because of something that was beyond your control?"

Ikkaku considered Yumichika. Here was a man that was willing to do anything for him and his relationship. He would rather let himself be killed by some unworthy opponent than risk the chance of disappointing his lover or his Squad. Yumichika gave his all to this relationship, so much that it physically pained him when Ikkaku left. Ikkaku looked at the slightly trembling hands that rested on Yumichika's lap and the guilt hit him full force. He had been careless with a delicate man. He had broken promises and he broke the trust that their relationship was built on. If he confessed his mistake now, he would break Yumi beyond repair and lose the only person that ever mattered to him.

"Ya don't have to apologize, Yumi. I understand what you mean. I really do. If anyone should be apologizing it should be me."

Ikkaku brought Yumichika in for an embrace as he rested his head in the crook of his neck and inhaled his scent. "I'm really, really sorry. I truly am."

Yumichika was stunned. He knew Ikkaku and this was not like him. He expected a 'Che. Don't worry about it' by way of apology. That was Ikkaku's usual apology. It never got as sentimental as this. Something was off.

"Ikkaku, are you alright?" Yumichika tentatively questioned.

Ikkaku pulled back to look Yumichika straight in the eye and Yumichika couldn't help but notice the five different kinds of guilt on Ikkaku's face. Ikkaku leaned in and kissed him gently on the lips. Yumichika instantly pulled away.

"What's wrong?" Ikkaku asked, his confusion mirroring Yumichika's.

"The last time you kissed me like that, two days later you were standing over my bed asking me why I lied to you about my zanpakutō. What's wrong with _you_?"

Ikkaku tried his best to hide the truthfulness behind Yumichika's suspicions. He was not going to lose Yumichika over one fuck up.

"So, now you're paranoid? I kiss ya and ya think that I'm up to something. What did they do to you over in the Fourth? They slip you something? I never trusted those freaks."

Yumichika sighed. Hisagi was getting to him. The bastard. Hisagi and his cryptic words had crept up into his head like a thief in the night and planted the evidence of doubt. I'm going to kill that brute the next time I see him, Yumichika swore. Instead of being happy that his problems with Ikkaku were over, Yumichika was busy doubting Ikkaku's sincerity and nearly ruined everything. Yep. Hisagi was so dead.

Yumichika leaned in and kissed Ikkaku the way he knew he liked to be kissed – hard and with passion. Ikkaku broke away only to surface for breath as he tore off Yumi's orange neck apparel and trailed kisses down his neck. Every kiss, every touch reminded Ikkaku of exactly what he had. He had the best. A friend that would listen to him and never judge him. A lover who incited his passion like no other. A partner whom he could trust with his life. There was nothing that could make him give that up and he simply refused to give it up. A genuine sense of understanding for Yumichika's decision to lie to him was achieved through the mistake he made with Izuru. He now knew what it was like to have that fear hanging over you. This was his possession. He could feel Yumichika's body aching to share his breath and he pulled him up as he nibbled and sucked on his neck, causing the man to let out a throaty moan as he led him to the futon. But as soon as they lay down on the futon, Yumichika pushed him off of him and violently shot up from the bed as if something had bitten him.

"What the heck is that?" He screamed like a banshee.

"What? What?" Ikkaku asked in utter confusion as he looked at his body wondering if he had suddenly grown lobster claws on his stomach or something.

"That." Yumichika pointed to the bed, "What did you do with my mattress?"

Oh fuck, of course he would notice that, Ikkaku thought. Yumichika was like the Shinigami Princess and the pea.

"I burnt it." Ikkaku answered, retro-wishing for once in his life that he was not so bloody straightforward.

Yumichika simply stared back at Ikkaku and when he didn't ask him why, Ikkaku had that sickening sense that things were slipping away from him. He could see Yumichika making connections in his head. His lavender eyes slowly moved from the mattress on the floor to the few, stray blond hairs that caught the sunlight that streamed in from the open screen doors. Then his eyes moved out to look outside where the blackened ash from the futon still lay fresh on the grass in the garden. Ikkaku watched Yumichika inhale deeply as he finally placed who owned that foreign scent that was in their room. He heard him mutter phrases "you never say the words I'm sorry", "pride is not the only thing fighting to come between the two of you" and "he is not like me; he would not make the choices I would." A tight knot developed in Ikkaku's chest.

"Ikkaku," Yumichika said after a while, his voice soft, yet controlled, "this is a yes or no question and you have to get it right the first time. Did you sleep with Izuru Kira?"

"Last night. It was only once. I didn't mean to. It didn't mean anything." Ikkaku rattled off, but soon realized that Yumichika was not listening. He wasn't even hearing anymore. He had a strange calm look on his face. It was a look that comes right before someone realizes that everything will not be alright. Yumichika backed up against the wall and looked at Ikkaku as if he had never seen him before. Ikkaku bolted off the futon and approached Yumi, who looked faint. But as he neared him, Yumichika looked him directly in the eyes. As usual Ikkaku felt nearly paralyzed by the stare. This time he saw not just hurt, but something a lot more dangerous – he saw murderous intent. He hadn't noticed it before, but Yumichika's reiatsu was climbing.

"Yumichika, listen to me –" Ikkaku started as he reached out to touch Yumichika's face, but his hand was fiercely slapped away. "Don't touch me!" Yumichika hissed at him and Ikkaku felt like he just got burnt. The way that Yumichika reacted made Ikkaku felt dirtier and lower than he ever felt. But he knew he deserved it. A silence filled in between them and threatened to drown the both of them, when suddenly Yumichika spoke up in a surprisingly calm, almost chipper voice, but Ikkaku could still hear the pain under the veneer.

"Maybe you should go back to work, Ikkaku."

Ikkaku looked at Yumichika. He looked normal, but his eyes said something different. There was something wild and dangerous lying behind those infamously beautiful lavender eyes. Ikkaku paused for a moment, but decided to comply. Maybe a little bit of space was all Yumichika needed to calm down and then they could talk.

"Yeah, yeah. I think that's a good idea. I'll come back later and we could talk about this."

Ikkaku had made it all the way back to the main offices of the Eleventh Division before he realized that he should not have left. He had just left Yumichika tottering over the edge of a dangerous precipice. He remembered Yumi's eyes. Ikkaku slapped his head hard at the stupidity of his actions. He shunpoed home in record time, but Yumichika was no longer there and try as he might, he could not sense his reiatsu.

* * *

Izuru stood looking out into the rippling water of the river in front of him. So many things had gone wrong in his life lately that he was beginning to wonder what was his real purpose.

"Lieutenant Izuru Kira. It took me hours to find you."

Izuru spun around completely shocked to see Yumichika standing a few paces behind him.

"Fifth Seat Ayasegawa-san, I did not notice you there."

"I didn't expect you to. I was doing exactly what you are doing now: purposely hiding my reiatsu."

Izuru considered the Fifth Seat. It was dark where they stood near the river, but Yumichika was standing in the direct path of the moonlight with the effect that he looked ethereal as the pale light glowed against his skin. He wondered if Yumichika had planned where he would stand before he made his presence known. He would not have been surprised. That had the narcissistic Fifth Seat written all over it.

"Why are you hiding your reiatsu Lieutenant? Are you depressed about something? Oh never mind. Silly question. I should be more specific. Are you depressed that things didn't work out with you and Ikkaku?"

There was a sharp bite to the way Yumichika spoke his words and Izuru instantly became uneasy. He did a quick scan of the environs. They were near a river, more an overrated stream really. They were far from the road and would definitely not be seen since the thick, heavy underbrush did a fantastic job of hiding them. A light rain had fallen earlier so the ground was a bit soft, but not soggy. But the moon was out and beaming brightly giving enough light to see properly in a battle in case it was needed.

"You can remove your hand away from your zanpakutō. I already know what Wabisuke is capable of, so obviously I would never fight you with my own zanpakutō." Yumichika exposited.

"You have no reason to fight me Ayasegawa-san. Your relationship with Ikkaku is safe." Izuru said and his heart literally hurt as he remembered Ikkaku's indifferent attitude toward him earlier.

"I never said that I was here to fight you. Don't put your ugly words in my mouth."

"Then why did you go through all the trouble of seeking me out? If it's for an apology then I'll give it to you right now. I am truly sorry Ayasegawa-san. I never meant for things to get so out of hand."

Yumichika's expression was that of stone – cold and unreadable. When he finally spoke, his voice was controlled, but haughtier than ever.

"While I was in the Fourth Division, I had quite a few visits. Ikkaku's visit upset me the most. Hisagi's visits were the most annoying and they overshadowed the visit that you paid to me. I considered it an unbeautiful, depressing and seemingly innocuous visit; much like my general thoughts on you."

Izuru didn't bother to feel insulted since he already knew that Yumichika was never fond of him and he definitely had no expectations of the Fifth Seat being fond of him now, especially in revelation of recent incidents. So he said nothing.

"When I replay that visit in my mind, I realize just how careless I was with you and how calculating you really are. You preyed on my fears, so by the next time that I saw Ikkaku, whom you obviously knew was on his way to see me, I would be in no mood to forgive or apologize. I'm sure you took advantage of Ikkaku last night too. Ikkaku is an alcoholic, but he's not a stupid or blind drunk. You manipulated and took advantage of a situation. You told Ikkaku about my zanpakutō and watched from a distance when everything crashed and burnt, so that you would be there to pick up the pieces. You were relentlessly heartless and strategic. Am I correct?"

"Right you are, Ayasegawa-san."

"How beautiful. You accept your actions like a man." Yumichika said and tilted his head to the side, as if seeing Izuru in a new light. The compliment however, made Izuru nervous. Something was really off with Yumichika. Izuru knew that it was only a matter of time before Yumichika found out what happened and he had braced himself for a fierce battle with the Fifth Seat who was known to have a short temper. But here stood a man that was unnaturally calm as he quietly made deductions about the attempts to sabotage his relationship. It was highly unnerving.

"You are in that way," Yumichika continued, "and that way alone, better than me. Obviously you fail in every other respect," he flicked his beautiful hair as if to add measure, "It took me a long while before I could admit that I was wrong for lying to Ikkaku. I don't like admitting that I am wrong. My pride keeps getting in the way. But I did and thanks to you, Ikkaku recognizes why I would lie. He understands what it is like to fear losing the only person that you really care about because of something that really was beyond your control. So I guess, Yay! You made our relationship all the more worthwhile. Thank you very much." Yumichika added the last past in a tone dripping wet with sarcasm.

"Ayasegawa-san, I truly am very sorry. I never meant to hurt you. You say that pride keeps getting in your way, but envy kept getting in my mine. I am depressed because I yearn for what you have. I envy that love that you have with Ikkaku-san. I wanted that for myself and the only way to get that was to show him that I could love him better."

Yumichika smirked.

"That could never happen since I am the best. You can never be as beautiful as me. You can never be better than me. If you had let me know what you were up I could have saved you the trouble of such an ugly experience."

"You should be a motivational speaker." Izuru mumbled in a sotto voice causing Yumichika to laugh out loud.

"Loves the sarcasm. It fits your depression well." Yumichika said with a smile that made Izuru very tense. Yumichika may have been standing directly in front of him, but Izuru felt like Yumichika was a tiger in the jungle waiting to pounce at the unexpected moment.

"You should save your reasons, Lieutenant Kira," Yumichika continued, "Unlike Ikkaku or Hisagi-san, I have no sympathy toward you. You may have inadvertently convinced Ikkaku to forgive me, but you blasted such a big hole in our relationship that I don't know if it will ever be fixed."

Izuru saw the hurt that was in Yumichika's eyes and the remorse weighed him down until his lungs felt stifled. The inadequacy of any apology that he could possibly say expanded in his brain, effectively stifling his voice. Yumichika took it as an opportunity to continue.

"You ruined my relationship. You strategically ruined my relationship. You played on my pride and now my relationship has fallen because of you. You ruined my relationship!" Yumichika screamed at him. Izuru could see the man's hand shake with fury as his reiatsu bristled the leaves around him and the tears that shone in his eyes. This was what Izuru had been expecting. But just as suddenly as Yumichika became undone, he just as abruptly centred himself and smiled at Izuru. It made him feel extremely nervous.

* * *

Seven hours had passed since Ikkaku had last seen Yumichika. He wanted a drink so badly, but refrained since lately his drinking had been seriously compromising his mental capacity and he had a feeling that he needed all of his cognitive processes to deal with Yumichika in his current state. It was wretched sitting there wondering and even more guilt seeped into Ikkaku (if that was even possible since he felt like he was water-logged with guilt) as he realized that this was most likely how Yumichika felt when he had left him in this same, dark room more than three weeks ago. Where could he be? What was he doing? Was he going to come back? The questions resounded in his head. They were juxtaposed to how could I be such a fool and why didn't I just do things differently. He couldn't feel Yumichika's reiatsu. He concentrated so hard that now he had a migraine to add to his back pain that he got from the new mattress. It was truly a horrible and stiff mattress. The ugliness of that alone must have sent Yumi over the edge, Ikkaku reasoned. He tried to distract his thoughts by wondering where he could purchase a better futon when the door suddenly opened and there stood Yumichika.

Blood was splattered all over Yumichika's uniform and face and under different circumstances Ikkaku would have complimented him on how incredibly sexy he looked that way. But instead all Ikkaku could wonder was whose blood was that. Yumichika paused long enough to leave his zanpakutō in the same place that he always kept it – beside the futon – and ignored the pointed stares he got from Ikkaku.

"Whose blood is that?" Ikkaku finally asked.

"A Hollow's." Yumichika answered but did not stop before he crossed over to the bathroom and quickly shot the door behind him.

Ikkaku stared at the shut door and wanted to reply that Hollows don't bleed,* but refrained because he was not sure that he wanted to press Yumichika for an answer.

An hour and a half later Yumichika came out and sat next to Ikkaku on the futon like he did so many nights before. But that night was different. There was an intense, solid silence between them and neither Ikkaku nor Yumichika knew how to break it. They sat there staring straight ahead. But after a while the tears began to fall down Yumichika's face. At first hesitant after he was viciously pushed away earlier, Ikkaku pulled in Yumichika closer and rocked him. Still unsure of what to say, Ikkaku remained quiet.

"Ikkaku, we have to start over. We have come full circle. I have hurt you and you have hurt me." Yumichika said after his tears had dried and his sniffling subsided. "We have to start over our relationship. No secrets, build the trust, keep our promises."

Ikkaku felt like a heavy weight was lifted from his chest and he could breathe again.

"I can do that. We can do that."

Neither knew when the other fell asleep but sometime around midnight they were awoken by the clacking sounds of the alarm ringing through the Seretei. A Hell butterfly floated into the room and Ikkaku put out his hand to receive the message.

"What does it say?" Yumichika asked a bit drearily.

"Emergency meeting. Lieutenant Izuru Kira was found dead. Apparent suicide, but investigations are continuing."

Ikkaku turned to look at Yumichika who avoided his gaze and said, "hmmph," as his only comment.

"Is there something that ya wanna tell me, Yumichika?" Ikkaku asked as he remembered that crazed look behind Yumichika's eyes and the inexplicable blood on his clothes.

"Yeah," Yumi replied with his back turned to Ikkaku, "I really hate this new futon."

Ikkaku growled.

"Remember what you said. No secrets." Ikkaku patiently reminded him.

Yumichika turned around to face Ikkaku, his stunning lavender eyes were full of such pain that Ikkaku already knew the answer.

"Don't ask me, what you already know. Everything that I do is for you, Ikkaku."

"I know, I know." That's why I love you, Ikkaku finished in his mind.

It would be a long while before either of them could say that they loved each other again, but it didn't matter as long as they were together and they knew that the love was there.

** The End**

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* I wasn't sure whether Hollows bleed blood or not, but I had to make it work in this story.

**A/N**: Yay me! My first ever finished fanfic. I know the end is bittersweet, but this was an Angst story, so the ending would not be totally happy. As to whether or not Yumi killed Izuru; I leave that up to whatever you choose to interpret. Thank you for reading and reviewing and adding this story to your faves, etc. I truly appreciate your support.


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